I think I'm going to stop posting for a while.

At least until I have my own computer back.

I'm starting to get paranoid.

I'm pissed right now. I went back to FML to catch up on what I've missed and I saw one that mentioned Blue October. I think the comment that got me pissed the most was, "YDI for listening to Blue October and not being embarrassed by it!" I meant, wtf, man? Why would you be embarrassed to listen to them? Because they have lyrics that are classified as 'emo'? Who gives a shit? They're a great band, with great songs. Their lyrics are deeper than most people think. Into the Ocean saved a lot of people from suicide, and that damn well doesn't sound embarrassing to me. I can relate to most of their songs, directly or indirectly.

Sorry, I just had to rant about that. I usually don't get very angry about people insulting Blue October, because it really can't be helped and it simply makes me sound like a whiny prick if I argue, but I'm fucking angry that anyone would think you should be embarrased for liking them.

Two weeks away, it feels like the whole world should've changed.

But I'm home now
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it till tomorrow to unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch the sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time

["Sand in My Shoes" - Dido]

Heather moved today.

It's just weird now.

Like.. empty.

I'm not used to her not being here.

You know, everything's the same but it's all changing. Does that make any sense? I mean.. it's hard to explain. Now I'm confusing myself. It's like when I came back from Florida, I came back to the same-old same-old, except the same-old same-old is now different, but it's still the same-old same-old.

Getting me now? Probably not.

Lauren's made it her mission to give me a make-over this year. I don't know how to politely refuse. I wish she'd stop trying to change me. I don't want to wear skirts and put on mascara and lipgloss. It's just not me, and the fact that she keeps trying to get me to dress girly just makes me insecure.

Um.. I don't really know what else happened at school. My computer class is convinced I cheat when I type, because I had 85 WPM while most of them had something around 30 or 40. And Deja and I partnered up in Math.

I feel alone at school.

But I'm only

In the outskirts

and in the fringes

On the edge

and off the avenue

And if you want me

You can find me

Left of center

["Left of Center" - Suzanne Vega]

Today was the first day of school and I've already fallen asleep in class. Twice. At least Deja was behind me to wake me up.

When I got to school, I ended up just sitting on the top row in the bleachers, next to the guys. All of the people I hung out with in seventh grade sat on the bottom row, but it was way too crowded. I hate feeling suffocated. (That's right, Rhianne, go ahead and make up lame excuses for your anti-socialness.) Looking around, I could already tell there weren't many people I got along with left. At least A'Jae is there now, though. She was a friend from Selma Street. (She was at the 2008 SET / Chess Tournament. I mostly hung out with her and Ashley because the only other person I knew was Caleb, and he and I don't talk much.)

I hate that I have the same homeroom as last year, but there are some new people in there. Jeremiah was in my homeroom this year (okay, he's not new at all, but his last name starts with 'S', so it was unusual; is it weird that I'm still not used to some guys in my class having the beginnings of beards / mustaches?) and so was Chance, Levi's neighbor. I didn't get an opportunity to say hi to him, though. It was a bit of a hectic day.

My first period was Reading. I'm not sure if I really like the teacher or not yet. To be honest, I forgot half of what she said. Lauren was in my class, and so was A'Jae, and I think Braxton was, too. (He dyed his hair black to cover up the blue. I expected it.)

And then there was Science, with the new teacher. I got assigned a new girl as a partner; I think her name is Alyssa or something. She's a Joe Jonas fangirl. Gah. I glanced over at her and she had a binder covered in Joe Jonas photos and scribbles like "Future Mrs. Jonas<3" align="center">

I think we went to Break then. I just stood around talking to Mark and Lauren and comparing schedules. I only have one class with Angela and one with Mark, but almost all of them with Lauren. When Angela said she had all her classes with Helen, then told me that she and I had different PE periods, I realized that I have PE with Kalyn. (Helen has Guitar. Guitar and Piano have the same teacher, and are therefore different class periods. Kalyn has Piano. Yes, I really do make these connections in my mind for no reason.)

Oh, gosh. Third period I had Social Studies. Everyone I had talked to beforehand was not kidding when they said Mrs. Peacock was obsessed with cows. Oh my God, there had to be over a hundred cow items in her classroom. I couldn't look anywhere without seeing black and white spots. I didn't even bother trying to correct her when she called me Amanda; no one else who I knew went by their middle names corrected her, either. We were all too intimidated. x.x She messed up the seating, so half the class had to scoot up a seat or two so that I would have a desk. It really sucks having the last name 'Williamson' sometimes. She doesn't seem too bad, but I'm not going to try to test that. She scares me a bit. I have Angela and Mayra and Helen in that class, but they're all on the other side of the room because their last names are at the beginning of the alphabet. Oh, and A'Jae. Noticing a trend?

Then, I think, I had English. I liked that class. It was hilarious. Mrs. Jordan, instead of just simply calling roll, asked us to each stand up in order and state our name and what we felt like eating at the moment. It was unusual, which made it awesome. This may be the first year I actually like English. Lauren and A'Jae were in it. Go figure.

The last academic class I had was Math. God, I kept falling asleep while she talked. I really do need to get more sleep. I don't want to wake up with kids giggling and telling me I just dozed off in the first week of school. Um, I don't think anything really interesting happened that period. Oh, wait, lunch. I had lunch. Well, actually, I didn't have it. I wasn't hungry, so I just set it off to the side and let Deja and Brandon (the Brandon who has the thick Southern accent who played my wife when we were reading out loud from A Christmas Carol in Reading last year; I was Bob Cratchett) have it. Then I struck up conversation with Arianna, a new girl. At least I'm not going to be the only person teased and called Rihanna this year, but it sort of bugs me a bit that everytime someone says her name I look up. (Her name is pronounced Air-ee-anna, not Air-ee-ahna; so it sounds like my name, but with an 'A' on the front and the end.) She seems nice.

In Computer, we just sat in Mrs. Jordan's classroom (I have her for two periods, which is awesome) and did a crossword puzzle. I was the only person who had almost all of their blocks filled in. Lauren and Mark were in that class. It felt lonely without Angela there. I'm so used to seeing her, Lynette, and Feng in Computer, but Angela and Feng have different classes and Lynette went to the other middle school.

Nothing really significant happened in PE, except for Lauren telling me she was a bit freaked out by my tomboyishness and asking me to do something pretty with my hair. I didn't really know what to say. I wasn't insulted, just confused because it shouldn't bother her that much. It still doesn't make sense to me.

I never mentioned on here that I started talking to Kalyn, but I did; I actually get along with her pretty well. Go figure. We talked for five hours straight on the last night I was in Florida. Today we didn't really talk, though. She acted pretty shy around me. I guess it's probably because we don't ever hang out with each other and our only conversation was on Facebook.

It was an okay day. I'm really tired, though. (Oh, and Austin moved. Nearly forgot to mention it.)

I'm homesick.

D:

I'm such a bitch sometimes. I saw that Skylar moved to Destin and I was like "YESSS OH THANK GOD." x.x I seriously need to settle my issues with kids at school. I think my only real friends are Angela, Mark, Lauren, Helen, Cody Chang (yes, Angela, I DID just say Cody Chang), Tamir, Beza, and.. yeah. I think that's pretty much it at Carver. Except maybe those three sixth-going-on-seventh graders I occasionally hang out with, Jessica, Ben, and Margaret. I already know that seventh graders and eighth graders don't get many chances to hang out, though. But it was sort of funny when I walked over to Margaret's older brother, Ellis, and was like "HEY, CAN I HAVE A HIGH-FIVE? :D" and he was like "SURE. :D" Margaret was laughing her head off.

Yeah, carpool is retarded. It usually involves "Dude, Where's My Car?" jokes. :D When I first started randomly talking to Jessica, she said "Oh, yeah, you're that girl who kept saying 'Dude, where's my car?'" and I was like "Yeah, dude, seriously, man, I couldn't find my car. It's flipping yellow, I'd think I could find it." and she was like "And apparently you're also the girl who yells out 'BANANA CAR!' when the yellow car drives up."

I'm not going to bother talking to any of the "glamor emos" this year. Well, except maybe to LOL at the fact that they call themselves "glamor emos". I mean, wtf? Seriously, wtf Austin? Did the glitter kill your braincells? Who the hell even thinks up shit like that? xD

I just realized I'm more upset about the removal of SET and Chess at Carver than about the uniforms. Really, though, maybe I'll have to go out and buy chess sets and SET cards and drag all of my friends (except Angela, who I don't think likes my nerdy friends and who has already expressed her refusal to play chess or SET) into the library to play during break or something.

I want the world to know

I've got your back

Through up and down, see

So we can sit together

Side by side through amazing

blue skies

["Blue Skies" - Blue October]

Monday:

I still miss Dothan, but.. not as much. It's okay here. It's peaceful. I don't have to stress as much as I do at home. On the other hand, I miss my own hectic household, and everyone who's stuck out there in the Circle City.

Besides, I can't read FML here. D:

God, I'm so tired. I shouldn't be. I just am. I dunno if it's my effed sleeping pattern or if I'm just exhausted. What the hell am I going to do Sunday night? I can't go to sleep at 10 PM and wake up at 5:30 AM anymore. That's... like.. impossible for me now. Ugh.

And Blue Skies is such an awesome song. I am so in love with it. It inspired me for all of ten minutes to get up and make my life better. Then I remember I was in Florida and therefore really didn't have any ability to do so at the moment. So I was like "Damn." ):

I just got two really unexpected calls: one from Danielle/Script, who giggled in her usual way and was like "HII 8D" and I was like "Hey. Could you call back in two minutes? x.x" because it was 8:58 and it's not free until after 9 PM. Then she was like "Sure." and we hung up. The second call was from my dad. He never calls me, unless he's asking why my mom isn't answering the phone or I'm out somewhere and he's checking on me. This time he was calling to ask me how I was and to see when I wanted to leave. I said Saturday. I am NOT going to miss this Sunday.

Now Danielle and I are talking. :o We're such geeks we started laughing so hard at the fact that the Narrator's (the voice in my head that describes all my actions; think something along the lines of Stranger Than Fiction) writing skills resemble those of the high school roleplayers on Neo. It was roffleworthy. :3

"No."

"Uh-huh."

"No!"

"Yeah!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't know, what are you talking about?"

"I don't know!"

"I don't know either!"

"I'm talking about George Clooney, man!"

A few minutes later, and then Danielle was like,

"Mhm, George Clooney is my future husband."

"Nuh-uh. Oh no you didn't. Did you just go there? Girl, I think you just went there."

"I went there."

And then another few minutes later, she was like,

"I'm Googling him now. How do you spell 'Clooney'?"

"Dude!"

"Oh, now I see it."

"Dude.. you're Googling George Clooney."

"Yeah, I am."

"That's hot."

"It is?"

"Mhm."

Oh, man. We are so lame. She even got a Twitter (rararahabu).

Tuesday:

I need to learn another way to deal with my emotions. Just sayin'.

So, yeah, it's settled. I'm totally going to be back in Dothan by Sunday.

I don't even know what to talk about now. I think I'll end it here. Sorry, no deep thoughts to post today. :l I don't feel like talking about how I feel because it feels like I talk about it too much. I say "I feel like.." almost every other sentence sometimes. Maybe it's good that I talk about my emotions so much, but it's starting to frustrate me. I hate feeling like an angsty teenager. I need to take a hiatus from talking about how I feel.

Seriously, I'm ending it now before I go on a long rant about how I feel about not wanting to talk about how I feel. Rants/rambles are all I ever do. Later.

Because I only want you to see

my favorite part of me

and not my ugly side

["Ugly Side" - Blue October]

I was listening to those CDs earlier. I found a lot of songs that I used to love that remind me of some people. Like "Balance Beam" off of Argue with a Tree by Blue October, which reminds me of Austin because I made him listen to the song at lunch when he was asking for help with a girl he liked. And "Superman" off of America Town by Five for Fighting, which reminds me of my dad because we'd listen to it in the car during the ride to school throughout seventh grade. And that song off the Pink album that I don't want to bother finding the name off - that one reminds me of Jessica because she loves Pink, and when we were little, she'd play some songs by her on her stereo (she also played Aaron Carter and Britney Spears and Hilary Duff).

Anyway, I'm in Florida. Have been since Wednesday night. Sorry I set my blog to private; it's sort of neccessary for now.

I've been pretty bored and I've mostly just texted. Today I ended up texting most of the people in my phone, including Nolan, who went to school with Levi and Cory, and Kate, who lives in Troy and who I don't really know too well but I met her at the SET / Chess Tournament; actually, I met them both at the tournament. Gosh, why do I meet everyone at tournaments? Yesterday I read Wicked. It was pretty good, and it got me thinking. Not about good vs. evil, which seems to be a huge theme behind the book, but instead about how Elphaba pretty much failed at life. Oh, sure, she was a great character, but nothing turned out as planned. I liked that, it wasn't your traditional fairytale. It was realistic.

I was also thinking about individual people in general. We should look at our lives as one-way trips we only get to make once, and we should drive wherever we want and stop at every souvenir shop and run-down, cheap antique store we can on the way. Every person has a story and that should be acknowledged; no matter how undramatic it is or how boring it sounds to others. When I meet a person who is surprisingly mature (actually, anyone who is mature surprises me; most people I know are extremely immature) I like to wonder how they got that way. Maturity doesn't just come with age, it comes with development.

Sometimes I feel selfish because I want to catch all the moments of my life in a net and admire them close-up for a few minutes, then let them go - like butterflies. The moments of my life are butterflies. They're all different, but every single one is beautiful, even if the wing patterns are dull.

Now I just sound ridiculous. Ignore me, please.

It's like I have all the time in the world, and yet it feels like time is running out. I suppose because what I have right now is going to last; everything and everyone around me is real, because I won't let fake in. At the same time, though, school is getting closer. Scary closer. And with school comes less time.

School has sort of got me panicking. I don't have my uniforms, I don't have any school supplies, and I'm freaking out because if I get into any trouble whatsoever this year, I'll be put into Rehobeth schools. I don't want that. I resent Rehobeth.

Only five more years. I only have five more years. Then I'm free to pack up my stuff and leave.

That'll be disappointing to my parents. They're counting on me to be the one to make all the "right" decisions in her life, which I don't like. Heather wants to be a nurse, she wants to go to college, she wants to get married (eventually). I don't want to get married, I don't want kids, I don't want college. I don't mind having a job at some grocery store or mall or something.

This may sound vain, but I don't feel like living in a small town as a dainty little housewife who cooks and cleans and watches reality TV. I feel like there's something bigger for me out there, you know? Not like, destiny or fate or whatever. I don't really believe in that. I do think there are natural guidelines set down, that you can easily bend and break.

I just can't imagine myself married or with kids, anyway. I change my mind too often and I'm just too free-spirited to live like that. I'm just not used to being limited. I can bear it, of course, if it's really what I want or if it's neccessary. It's like my lack of religion - for me, religion is an inconvenience. I am not kidding you. I don't want to be limited to one set of beliefs. I don't NEED beliefs, anyway. And my bisexuality; I don't want to feel like I can only like or date guys. I like people for their personalities, not their physical sex. True, I would only approach guys, but that's because down here, shouting "I LIKE GIRLS /AND/ GUYS!" is synonymous with social suicide.

I'mma end this here. Dave made dinner.

Heather, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't talk to him so condescendingly. Referring to people as "dear" and "sweetie" may seem to you like it makes you sound intelligent, but in reality it simply makes you sound conceited.

If you want to teach me how to take care of her, try to do so without calling me "fucking incompetent," especially when you usually jump to conclusions. You walk in on a situation and automatically assume that you're being called because I can't do a simple task. You don't even wait for an explanation. Why do you think I never tell you any of my fucking problems or try to talk to you?

I know you care about me. Right now, though, you're just talking, not walking. When you fucking show it, I'll shut my mouth.

I'm being immature about this. I understand that. Right now, I'm just too pissed to try to be mature.

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive

Even heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed, but won't you concede?

Even heroes have the right to dream

["Superman (It's Not Easy)" - Five for Fighting]

Mkay, 'fore I really start my post, I just remembered something: that I don't remember a thing about Katie. All I really remember is her name, that we were best friends, and that she and Katie Kelley would say they were cousins simply because they had the same first name. I never liked Katie Kelley; I think it was because she called me ugly in first grade. xD But I remember she left the school at the end of third or fourth grade and she started out at Carver in Pod B in middle school. Helen was like "Fuck, the blonde is here." and I was like "Ha, your problem. I don't have to deal with her." I talked to her a few times in the hallway, though, and realized she wasn't as bad as I thought she was. Not long after, she got kicked out. BUT. During the SET / Chess Tournament of 2008, which was at Beverlye, I saw her pass by through the glass door and she waved at me. I think that was right after we got there and I was just standing there looking around nervously. I waved back.

Yes. I did build that up just to say we waved at each other.

Feel free to ignore my elementary school-related ramblings. I mostly just type them to sort my thoughts out. It's like I'm trying to remember a dream I forgot when I woke up.

I found some CDs earlier. I'm probably going to listen to them later. I recognize a few of the bands / singers - Maroon 5, Savage Garden, No Doubt, etc. - but some I've never heard of. Who knows? Maybe by the end of tonight (or rather, by the time I go to sleep) I'll have a new obsession.

Levi and I actually went to the mall earlier, because my mom decided that we would leave Tuesday night. I was tired. And braindead. I did have fun, but by the end of the day I was beating myself up. We were sitting outside the elevators when a woman got on and pressed the down button, and when the doors were about to close, she pressed it again and they reopened, and for some reason my brain found it funny, and I laughed. After the doors closed again, I turned to Levi and I said, "Now I feel bad for laughing at that," and he responded, "Yeah. I feel sorry for that lady." I only then realized that she'd been disabled and it looked like I was laughing at her disability. I really felt like an ass.

Other than that, though, I was in a good mood, if tired as hell. Then again, when I'm sleepy, I tend to get irritated and snappy, so sorry if I said / did anything that came across as me being angry / upset, Levi.

I'm going to stop right here to say I'm sick of being put down by my family. They're supposed to be there to support you, but most of them do the opposite. Especially Jessica. I'm used to it, but I never said I enjoyed it. I'm not going to say I suffered, like, psychological trauma from the things she and some others have said, but I know it explains some of how I think. For instance, I'd be taken to Jessica's house everyday to play, and she was my only real friend who I hung out with most of the time. Even though she'd insult me and treated me like shit a lot, I still clung to her for dear life. I still do that. If a person I care about starts treating me badly, instead of being a sensible person and saying "You know what? I'm not going to take this," I let them do it. I'm such a stupid person sometimes. That's what happened with Laurel, and with Austin, and with Cody.

If you're wondering what triggered that, it was because my mom was having breathing problems and when she went into another room with my dad, Heather started snapping at me with her usual you-can't-do-shit-right and try-acting-intelligent-for-a-change shit. I nearly just said "Fuck you." I wish I had. I don't even care if my dad had heard, I wish I had said that.

Screw it. I'm going to go listen to my CDs. Bye.

Hey there, Delilah, what's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away, but girl, tonight you look so pretty

Yes, you do

Times Square can't shine as bright as you

I swear it's true

["Hey There, Delilah" - Plain White Tees]

List ten songs you remind you of one (or different) person(s). No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good - it simply must be a song that reminds you of a particular person. It could be the song you heard when you met, or maybe the lyrics just apply to the person(s). Anything goes! The only catch is that you cannot name the person(s); it has to be anonymous!

I totally stole this from Heather. I just felt like doing something different for a change. I'm in a better mood than I was earlier, anyway. :o

I. "Dirty Little Secret" by All-American Rejects

I can still recall sixth grade, when you and Laurel would sing that. I don't really like the memory, because I'd usually be sort of shunned whenever I sang it, even though I'd liked the song for quite a while and it was on the mixed CD I let you guys listen to at break, but it still reminds me of you. In a good way, of course.

II. "Afterlife" by Avenged Sevenfold

While the lyrics have nothing to do with you and me, it's still the first song you got me to listen to by A7x, and one of the few that I like by them. Everytime I hear it I think of you saying "You should listen to Afterlife. In my opinion, it's a better I-hate-you-but-I-love-you song than I Hate Everything About You. They're both still good, though."

III. "Teenagers" by My Chemical Romance

One of the good memories I have about you. When I hear it, I think of standing in your room, sort of awkwardly, while getting ready to go out with you to the movies. I remember hearing the song and liking it and wondering who it was by, but being too afraid to ask because I'd sound stupid. "Party Like a Rockstar", "Soulja Boi Tell'Em", and "Hey There, Delilah" also remind me of that night; the first two played in the car on the way there, and the last was on the radio sitting on your counter when we got back. I smiled when I heard it. Oh, and Transformers, because that was the movie we were going to see.

Although, now, anything by MCR reminds me of Levi. xD

IV. "Last Resort" by Papa Roach

Oh, man. Marianna Caverns. While it may have been in Florida, it was still fun. One of the only times I went down there willingly. This song reminds me of you in particular because you were such a dork and put your iPod next to my ear singing the song, and I just looked at you and laughed and said, "You are so lame." I remember that because Angela and Laurel and Austin were there, before everything went fucked. It was a nice day.

V. "Wait and Bleed" by Slipknot

I. Want. To. Bang. My. Head. On. My. Desk. When. I. Hear. This. Song. UGH. "Slipknot this, Slipknot that, skateboarding, Slipknot, razors, Slipknot, more skateboarding, SlipknotSlipknotSlipknot." I don't care about Slipknot and skateboarding. It's nice that those are your interests, but try shutting up for once and letting the other person talk to you instead of trying to shove what you like down their throat.

VI. "Sorry" by Buckcherry

This only reminds me of you because you'd giggle and squeal and go on about how this was your and your now-ex's song. I listened to you talk about how much you loved him, and I comforted you while you cried after he broke up with you by texting. I let you complain about how your parents just didn't "get" what you guys had, and I laughed with you when you finally got over him and he was trying to IM you to have you back. Now, that that's all said and done, I run into you at the mall and some of the first words out of your mouth are "Corey's here, we're trying to hide from him." I sort of stared at you, both because I was confused as to why you still had anything to do with him, and because it took me a second to remember you were talking about your ex, and not Cory as in Cory. And then I realized that you just have nothing better to do than get yourself caught back up in drama. Your current Myspace status proves that.

VII. "Thriller" by Michael Jackson

I don't really need to say much more. I know that if you were actually reading this, you'd know exactly why. We'd sing this at lunch - in the library - in the hallway - at PE. I'd laugh, because you always say "Thriller" so goofy. I remember how you and Cody would start singing "I'm Sorry, Mrs. Jackon". Although, I think you changed the lyrics. I don't remember. I know you texted me one night while I was walking to my room and you were like "omg let's start a remix band and name it SPONGEBOB REMIXPANTS!!!" and I was like "LOL dude, why?"

VIII. "Riot" by Three Days Grace

I've already mentioned you, but this reminds me of the night you brought that CD over and we listened to that and to Blue October and to Avril Lavigne (FYI you still have my copy of The Best Damn Thing, but I get the feeling I'm never getting it back). I don't remember much about that night, except you confessing a secret to me while we sat on the floor in silence. I kept that secret. I still do, no matter how much I hate you.

IX. "Innocence" by Avril Lavigne

Hearing this reminds me of the Fourth of July party, 2007. You've always stood up for me, and I think I took that for granted. I'm sorry. I simply wouldn't be the same if I'd never met you. I might still be innocent and shy and scared. I think you moving to Dothan was one of the best things that could have happened to me.

X. "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls

Need I say more?

You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime

["Bad Day" - Daniel Powter]

Today has just plain sucked from the second I woke up.

(Oh, and I hate Florida.)

Mandy used to be that girl,

the one that never said a word

But she only sang S Club 7

and all those boy bands

Now it's been a few years

and looks like things have changed

["Mandy" - Jonas Brothers]

YOUR EYES DO NOT DECEIVE YOU. I DID POST JONAS BROTHERS LYRICS, DESPITE MY PREVIOUSLY STATING THAT I COULDN'T STAND THEM. This is the only song by them that I like, but it's only because it has one of my names in it. xD I'm like a kid - anything that has one of my names is automatically cool. Except Kalynn, Kalynn still fails. -stubborn-

Songs with the names Amanda, Mandy, and Rhiannon are strangely common. Go figure.

My mom is watching Toddlers and Tiaras and it makes me want to bang my head on my desk. Seeing those little girls walking around like miniatures Barbies is sickening. It's like when I see chicks my age posting Myspace photos in revealing bikinis and thick eyeliner. They don't get that it doesn't make them look older, it just makes them look like sluts and prosti-tots. Maybe if they took off all that make-up and dressed in something more appropriate, they'd look more mature.

Damn. I sound like such a prude. Maybe I should liven up a bit.

Anywho, I might have maybe sort of kinda possibly cut my bangs...

Yeah. Kind of regretting it now. But at least now Levi shouldn't feel as stupid about getting a haircut. :D? And I figured out how to make those spiky ponytails. Somehow, watching Carrie for like the umpteenth time gave me inspiration.

Carrie was a sad movie. D: But good.

It reminded me of fifth grade, when the guys would dare each other to go ask me out because I was the weird kid. Not just "a" weird kid. THE weird kid. The little geeky girl who would freak out at PE and always make her team lose, the one who read constantly with round Harry Potter-esque glasses, etc. It was humiliating. I think Andrew was the worst; he even went so far as to get the principal to call me to the office on Valentine's Day. Every single kid in fifth grade heard her call me over the intercom. Ugh.

But it's all good. No one remembers. Well, Helen does, probably. I remember that after Katie left, I met her, and as eight year olds will do, we became best friends. She always stood up for me.

Actually, that itself reminds me of something else that happened. One of the guys made me upset to the point that I just started crying during PE, and all of the girls got pissed. It was sort of funny, actually. Like "This is OUR nerd."

It's one in the morning. Of course I'm jumping from topic to topic.

Don't listen to "Jacob's Dream" by Alison Krauss. It's sad. I cried when I first listened to it. But it is a good song. Instead, go listen to "Down by the River to Pray" by her. I may not be religious, but I can't help but sing it when I hear it. I know the lyrics by heart. Oh, and "Ain True Love". Sting from the Police wrote the lyrics, I think, and it was featured in Cold Mountain. I think.

Oh, damn. I want to go watch The Invisible Circus again. (Haven't I said this before?)

I'm going to have to wrap it up here. 'Night. I mean morning.

We're going down, down in an earlier round

and sugar we're going down swingin'

I'll be your number one with a bullet

A loaded God complex

Cock it and pull it

["Sugar, We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy]

These past few days have been sorta crazy.

Wyatt and I went to the mall. He's... tall. Wow. I didn't realize he had gotten that tall. And he walks really fast; I practically had to run to keep up with him. He did most of the talking, mainly telling me about things that happened at Honeysuckle. Talking to him about Honeysuckle is like going back in time; I knew almost all of the kids he mentioned from elementary school. I nearly died when he said he knew Dalton. Oh, man. I hope he doesn't tell him he knows me, but it'd be sort of funny. And he knows Tori, who hated me all throughout fifth grade. And he knows Maddie, and A'Jae. He started talking about people who texted him, and he said "Katie, Katie um..." and at that moment I suddenly knew what he was about to say. I finished by stating her last name and he was like "Yeah, I have her number. I don't text her much, though."

KatieKatieKatie. Katie was my best friend in kindergarten. I still remember how upset I was because I was too sick to go to her birthday party. And I still have a photo of us at Christmas. During the summer between second grade and third grade, she mysteriously disappeared (AKA she moved to Mobile, I've learned now), and I had no way of knowing where she went. For all I knew, she could have been abducted by aliens. Either way, I made it my goal to find her, as dorky as it may sound.

I found her.

She's... different. Obviously. I mean, it's been like seven years. She doesn't remember me. Has no clue who I am. Go figure. But she's nice, I guess. Hard to talk to. I'm not used to people replying with simple answers or "idk"s. I have no clue how to have a conversation with her.

It's like I'm talking to an amnesic.

Have you ever seen a TV show or a movie or read a book in which someone goes missing, and then one of their friends or family members or a lover looks for them, and finally finds them years later, and they don't remember a thing and are completely different? And the person who found them is totally disappointed and upset?

Yeah.

The only thing we seem to have in common is Harry Potter, and she hasn't read the books - only seen the movies. And when she said middle school has sucked for her so far, and I said "Surely something good must've happened?" her response was "yeah. i met really hot guys".

I don't see how we were friends to begin with, but maybe we'll be able to get along. Maybe. It's a possibility, alright? A very slight possibility, but a possibility all the same.

At least I'm being... somewhat optimistic. Or maybe I'm just in denial.

:/

Oh, and Jake is not Jake. I think that's all I'll say about that right now.

I'm hungry. @.@ Well. Duh. I haven't eaten a thing today. Maybe I'll go make a hamburger or something. I'd rather eat than think.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME.

YOU LOVE OUR IM DORKINESS

YOU LOVE IT

(And I will love you if you get the joke in the IM. FYI Tenshi is Lor. HI LOR.)

When the sun found the moon

she was drinking tea in a garden

under the green umbrella trees

in the middle of summer

["When the Day Met the Night" - Panic! at the Disco]

Because of Levi's July 17th blog post, I remembered that my blog turned a year old this month, even though I've only really been using it for the past three months. Happy birthday, blog~ I guess. xD

So, we went to the mall again today. Briggs was there, so Levi was freaking out. It's understandable, I become paranoid when I see Laurel. We sat on the bench outside the elevator in Dillard's for a while and had a shoe war. It's official: Levi has ESP. :P Anytime he would say something, what he said would happen.

He made me another CD, and it's awesome. I actually heard most of the songs before, but now they have a whole new meaning. :o I can't stop listening to it. In one night my CD player went from having a full battery to nearly dying.

I was going to pick up a CD he's been wanting by the Killers, but we didn't have enough time on the way there to stop by Wal-Mart. I'd already written a letter, though, that I'd planned to hide in the CD case. Obviously, that plan was out, so I just gave him the letter. xD

Caroline and Wyatt have been having more drama again. I'm completely and shamelessly on Wyatt's side. As I've said before, Caroline is just being an immature bitch. She hates Mayra, Grant, and me now because we're supporting Wyatt. I'm not surprised; she only used me before, anyway. She wasn't an actual friend. The only thing I'm worried about is I realized that too late, and I confided in her some things. If she's angry enough, she may start telling people.

Oh, and Wyatt's moving. He asked me to hang out before he actually moves, so we may be going to the mall sometime this week. It's been seven months since the last time we talked in-person, I just realized that. Damn. That's more than half a year. :o

That reminds me. I saw Lauren the other day... I hugged her, and said hi. It'd be nice to hang out with her, but I don't have her number. She has mine, but has never called it.

I've been having trouble breathing lately. D: I don't have asthma, but sometimes I just find it hard to breathe. Today at the mall I felt sort of dizzy because I couldn't breathe that well.

[rant] Oh. And Mitch is being all suicidal again. I hate it. Not because I care about him, but because it means he IMs me and whines. I almost want to just take him by the shoulders and shake him and yell, "STFU NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR LITTLE CRY FOR ATTENTION. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET PITY AND SYMPATHY. TRY HAVING A CALM, NONDRAMATIC CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE FOR ONCE AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE PEOPLE WILL WANT TO TALK TO YOU. BEING EMO AND SAYING YOU'RE GOING INSANE AND THAT YOU'RE A VAMPIRE AND THAT YOU'RE THE PROPHET FOR THE END OF THE WORLD ISN'T CUTE." Sorry for the Caps Abuse, but it pisses me off. I don't feel sorry for him at all, though. He's just being immature and fake and overdramatic. [/rant]

I hate that I can't say that without sounding like a bitch. What's worse, is there was an entire second paragraph to it filled with more Caps Lock but I deleted it.

BUT. That's out of my system. :D

Besides that, I'm in a good mood. So... yeah. I'm probably going to sign off Myspace so no one ruins it.

To days of inspiration

Playing hookey, making something out of nothing

The need to express - to communicate

To going against the grain

Going insane

Going mad

["La Vie Boheme (A)" - Cast of RENT (Soundtrack)]

I lovelovelove RENT. Especially La Vie Boheme. "The opposite of war isn't peace - it's creation!"

I am so tired, even though I woke up at two PM. I'm falling asleep at my desk.

a;sjdflkasdf;jksadhfl;jhsa;dfk

I just got back from the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Holy effing hell that was a long-ass movie. We had to get there an hour early to get seats. And you know what? I lost my ticket. Damn. I like collecting tickets. I still have my Drag Me to Hell ticket. If I can find it... after I cleaned out my purse, a lot of my stuff went "poof!"

Oh, hell. Now I'm remembering a scene from the movie. Oh, man... xD

It was pretty awesome, even though it pissed me off that they left so much out of it. But like Heather and (I think?) Diana said, it's just better to look at the movie as a separate work.

Besides the numerous witches and wizards and Harry Potter lookalikes running amoc, there was also a Bruno impersonator and a guy in a chicken costume. It. Was. Epic. (They were in the theater... not in the movie. I'd have died if there were a guy in a chick costume at Hogwarts. Or Bruno. Especially Bruno. ... Bruno.)

Oh. And. Laurel was there. Yeah. We saw each other but we didn't say anything. She just sort of... smirked and I glared. I tend to glare a lot. Especially at three in the morning. Seriously, you don't fuck with someone who has to pee at three thirty in the effing morning, especially when they're pissed off over the lack of info in the movie and the fact that their mom texted them during the depressingest scene and therefore ruined it for them. Mhm. Laurel had me so paranoid that I was literally shaking, though. Ugh. Only two people can make me panic like that and their names start with 'L'. Although, not neccessarily for the same reasons.

Yeah, I can be sort of retarded at four AM. I probably misspelled something or said something I shouldn't've.

I just realized that Lavendar Brown's name consists of two colors... mhm. Lavender Brown. Not Lavendar. Too lazy to fix it.

I think I'll go to sleep, mkay?

"Oh what the hell," she says, "I just can't win for losing,"

and she lays back down.

Man, there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing

like I don't know now.

["Her Diamonds" - Rob Thomas]

Sometimes I feel like the girl in the song, and sometimes I feel like the singer. Depends on what day of the week it is.

I have no clue what I'm doing. I actually don't mind, really, because no one really knows what they're doing. I do wish I had a sliver of an idea, though. I'm just going by what feels right and what makes me happy.

I realized recently that the little choices you make in life can open up a whole new world to you. It makes me want to take more risks. Why not?

Lessee. Saturday, Ange and I went to go see Transformers 2. It was pretty damn awesome, let me tell you. I was surprised they mentioned Obama and swine flu, but that just made it cooler because most movies don't include current events.

After I got home, I watched Eagle Eye, so I think I got my daily dose of Shia LaPoof.

And today / yesterday / July 12th was the tenth Sunday. I swear, the guy at the pretzel place might as well just go ahead and ring up a small soft drink as soon as he sees us. It's usually the same guy everytime, so you'd think he'd know what we order by now. (I need to learn how to push the ice dispenser thing DOWN instead of up or in. I still screw up. It's been ten weeks. What the hell.)

It'd be nice if I could figure out how to talk. I don't mind being quiet because I just like to be there with Levi, but I know he likes conversation. I realized it isn't because I'm nervous, it's because I just don't have anything to say. I ran out of words a long time ago. :P But I'm working on it.

It's not the end of the world

In fact it's not even the end of the summer

But thank God the TV is on

'Cos there's no way we could know

Anything that's goin' down

Or how we're supposed to be feeling about it

I can't tell you how much I wish we could shut up and smile, yeah

["Shut Up and Smile" - Bowling For Soup]

"All we need is some ice cream and a hug!" How true, how true. :D

DUDE. YOU GUYS - EVERYONE - YOU NEED TO READ WHITE NOISE. It's a scifi webcomic. Like, go read it, now. There are only six chapters up right now, but it's started updating weekly. :D I have to say, my favorite page is this one. (No spoilers - don't worry.) I would undoubtedly be that one poor person in the audience. Half-naked dancers make me blush, anyday. Actually, half-naked ANYONE makes me uncomfortable. -pokes the D in PE she got-

I'm going through Poptart withdrawal. D: -flails- I need the tartiness. I'm losing mah intelligence.

A real-life script of how

mistakes became our medicine, so

delay the hurtful words of complicated overcast

Please take the message that I'm picking up my chin at last

I said my confidence, it gets stronger when you're next to me

["Everlasting Friend" - Blue October]

I recently fell in love with Rob Thomas's "Her Diamonds" (if Levi hadn't asked me if that was the song, I probably would have never remembered to Google it) and Suzanne Vega's "Tom's Diner". Seriously, you guys, they're both awesome songs. (I need to stop shamelessly advertising music.)

I need to watch The Invisible Circus again. I love that movie. (Actually, now that I think about it, I shouldn't. :/) No, I think what I do need to watch is something that'll knock some sensibility into me.

Friday, Levi, Trevor, and I went to the mall. I was nervous and I didn't really have anything to say, so I was quiet practically the entire time, but I did have fun. I realized that I need to loosen up. I'm a goof with Angela but it doesn't matter if I look stupid in front of her (no offense meant, Angela - it's just that you've seen me at my stupidest anyway).

Saturday, I went to the fairgrounds to see the Bullet Proof Marshmallows. I thought we'd missed them, so I just sat down and listened to some other band doing covers (now that I think about it, I should have danced to "Shook Me All Night Long" because God knows I've danced to it at school :D). Hayden Smith ended up running up and hugging me, which was hilarious because she used to think I was a weird kid in elementary school.

My dad and I walked around looking for a place to get a drink for a while when Laurel called out to me. I swear, just hearing her say "Hey, Rhianne!" in that horrible, mocking little voice that I'd recognize anywhere nearly set me off. Just thinking about it makes me want to pick up my glass and throw it against the wall. I gave her a look with murder in it and tried to make a getaway but my dad stopped and said hi. :l I just texted Levi and ignored her while we stood there but man oh man I'd have loved to tell her right then and there what the fuck I thought of her. My rant would have included the phrases "slut-in-the-making", "you'd stab anyone in the back if you thought it would make it more entertaining for yourself", and "you preach about what you don't really believe in so you'll be pitied more as a poor God-fearing girl who simply made a little mistake, forgive the dear thing". The last would probably be followed by "Bullshit!" I don't pity her one fucking bit. I'm sorry for the rant and the language, but she ruined me. No one really gets how what she did was so bad and that's because she tells everyone lies and makes herself appear to be the victim, which just makes it all the worse because no one believes me. They all think she's such a nice, funny person. They have no clue. I have to admit, part of it was my fault. I'm a weak person when someone who makes me strong starts tearing me down. I just take it until I can't take it anymore. I just give myself to people too easily.

BUT IT WASN'T ALL BAD, YOU KNOW. Saturday, I mean. Even though I ran into Laurel and saw Lynette and (I think) Shelby. BPM actually played as the last band - when I heard the music I knew who it was and literally broke into a run to get to the stage. I didn't think they were going to play Murder in the Dancehall BUT THEY DID. It was their last song. Oh, and I got boiled peanuts. I stole them from my dad while we were watching fireworks.

And today, Levi and I went to the mall. After we ran into my cousin Jessica and her friend Meg, we hid out in Dillard's - forsaking the normal path for the escalators and elevator. xD Levi basically covered it in his blog post. I'd probably go on a rant about running into them but I've already ranted enough.

There's murder, murder, on the dancehall floor!

There's blood, blood, on the dancehall walls!

There's gunshots, gunshots, going right through your skin

["Murder in the Dancehall" - Bullet-Proof Marshmallows]

Honestly, I can't understand the rest of the song but IT'S A FUCKING GOOD SONG. :D SERIOUSLY. GO LISTEN. The Bullet-Proof Marshmallows are epic. I am SO going to see them live again this Saturday. I saw them last year and met the drummer (I was afterwards horrified at the fact that I stammer when talking to shirtless guys). My three favorite songs that they performed were "Murder in the Dancehall", "Make Ya Move", and "My Love". I don't usually like reggae, but they're just too cool.

I seriously need to get some real news. :l I think I'll start looking into more Alabama indie bands. Hadji and the Turbans and the Bullet-Proof Marshmallows have absolutely PROVED that Alabama has some epic musicians. I might ask Wyatt, 'cos he's seriously into the local music scene. (Seriously.)

I discovered I have a fascination with dancing with my fingers. When listening to music, I usually start tapping my fingers to go with the song and it substitutes for actually DANCING. Because no one wants to see me randomly jump up and started dancing to a song on the radio. I'm being serious. YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT. xD (I have recently become embarrassed by the way I dance. It's fun in the moment but afterwards it's horrifyingly humiliating.)

Oh. Yeah. My cousin got her belly-button pierced. Honestly, I can't see myself getting more than ear piercings anytime soon. Well, actually, I wouldn't mind having a lip piercing, but my parents would never let that happen. Speaking of appearance-modifying, I decided I don't really want to dye my hair now. I'm fine with it the way it is. If my mom makes me dye it, though, I'll just dye it back my natural color (even though it makes me look paler). Oh, and I was considering getting contacts, because glasses are dorky unless you're some kind of hot blonde scientist (which I am not), but at the same time I think I look weird when I have my glasses off. If I do get contacts, then instead of getting colored ones like I originally planned, I'll probably just get plain ones.

Yeah. I don't really have much else to say, so I'll just post my answers to the second part of the music questionnaire Levi posted. :D

Will you get far in life?
[Andy, You're A Star / The Killers] "Andy, you're a star / in nobody's eyes but mine". I don't think so. o0

Will you get married?
[Maneater / Nelly Furtado] Apparently not. But I WOULD have a nutritional snack. :D

What is your best friend's theme song?
[I Hate Everything About You / Three Days Grace] D: I resent that.

What was high school like?
[Iron Man / Black Sabbath] Butbutbut. I'm not even close to high school.

How can you get ahead in life?
[Love in an Elevator / Aerosmith] LOL 'nough said.

What is the best thing about your friends?
[I'm Not Dead / Pink] They're not dead?

What is in store for this weekend?
[The Crow and the Butterfly / Shinedown] I'll be painting your room at midnight and putting all your books on the top shelf? :D

To describe your grandparents?
[Gunpowder and Lead / Miranda Lambert] Hell no.

How is your life going?
[You Oughta Know / Alanis Morissette] You should know, dammit, you read my blog. Seriously, though, this song has nothing to do with my life. xD

How does the world see you?
[Accidentally in Love / Counting Crows] Does it?

Will you have a happy life?
[Mamma Mia! / ABBA] It'll be exciting enough to exclaim "Mamma Mia!" at. I guess?

Do people secretly lust after you?
[Afraid / Nelly Furtado] I don't know, and I apparently should be afraid of finding out.

How can I make myself happy?
[Don't Go Breaking My Heart / Elton John] But... I don't make myself happy by other people not breaking my heart. o.o That's their choice.

What should you do with your life?
[Don't Stand So Close To Me / Sting and the Police] I'd rather not lust after schoolteachers, thank you.

Will you ever have children?
[I Don't Wanna Be In Love / Good Charlotte] I hope not.

What song would you strip to?
[There's a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered, Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of it Yet / Panic! at the Disco] LOL HELL YES.

If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do?
[Afterlife / Avenged Sevenfold] I have no clue.

What does your mum think of you?
[Barbie Girl / Aqua] ... I resent that.

What is your deep dark secret?
[A Thousand Miles / Vanessa Carlton] Irony. :P Oh so 2007. (I just realized how often I mention 2007 and yet I never explain it.)

What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
[Californication / Red Hot Chili Peppers] ... I don't want to ask.

What's your personality like?
[Kiss the Girl / Ashley Tisdale] Yes, you DO see the name "Ashley Tisdale" right there. I don't see how that describes my personality, though. x.x

What's your motto?
[Snakes on a Plane (Bring It) / Cobra Starship] BRING IT, BITCH.

What do you think about often?
[Sweet Home Alabama / Lynerd Skynard] Sweet home, Alabama / where the skies are so blueee. :D

What do you want right now?
[Kerosene / Miranda Lambert] Bitch, I want to burn this place DOWN.

AND because I'm bored and I don't want to go to bed, here are ten things you probably didn't know about me:

1. I've lived in the same house nearly all of my life.
2. My main character is a prostitute.
3. I love Pringles so much because the guy on the can looks like Grandaddy Vinson (who passed away in June of 1997).
4. I've always loved "rejects", the kinds of things other people would throw away. My favorite Barbie doll was one that had olive skin and dark brown hair, so she didn't look like all the others, and she had a very literally broken arm. My favorite Ken was one with messed up hair and my favorite Kelly was one with purple splotches on her face.
5. I first started reading Harry Potter in the first grade. It took me a week to read the second book (I didn't read the first until a few years ago, actually) and I was extremely proud of myself afterwards.
6. I make graphics, but I can't do that anymore because I have no art program. :l
7. I say that I hate fairytales but in reality I've always sort of dreamed of a fairytale ending.
8. I've been unhappy at every single dance except for the seventh grade Valentine's Dance and the End of the Year Dance, because I felt like I actually looked the way I wanted to instead of the way everyone else decided I should look.
9. I am strangely proud of the freckle that is above my lip. It's weird, but I like it because it looks like Marilyn Monroe's mark. I'm just glad it's a freckle instead of a mole, though. o.o
10. I like guy clothes and when I'm in stores, I usually look around in the guy sections, but I never buy anything. I love my Converse jeans because they look like guy jeans on me because they're way too large for me.

Do I stress you out?

My sweater's on backwards and inside out

And you say, "How appropriate."

["All I Really Want" - Alanis Morissette]

Rofl. I totally stole the first playlist questionnaire off Levi's blog. :P And you WILL notice that actually, very few are by the kinds of bands whose lyrics I post. I'm secretly in love with all of Alanis Morissette's songs.

If someone says "Is this Okay?" You say:
[When the Day Met the Night / Panic! at the Disco] I'm not sure how this would qualify as a response. o0 ... Why is "okay" capitalized?

How would you describe yourself?
[Forever Young / Alphaville] I suppose. I guess.

What do you like in a guy/girl?
[Dr. Jones / Aqua] Ha, I remember dancing around to that song. :D I don't know, maybe it means I have a thing for doctors? Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, calling Dr. Jones~

How do you feel today?
[Somebody Told Me / The Killers] Ha. No. xD

What's your life purpose?
[Sk8ter Boi / Avril Lavigne] Yes, I'm being serious. That IS on my playlist. xD Avril Lavigne, Blue October, Nelly Furtado, and Fergie are bound to come up in any conversation about 2007.

What do your friends think of you?
[Kryptonite / Three Doors Down] They think I'm Superman?

What do your parents think of you?
[Hand In My Pocket / Alanis Morissette] Haha. I know it describes me well, but I don't know if they think of me like that.

What do you often think about?
[She Had the World / Panic! at the Disco] Winning the world at a carnival? :D

What do you think about the person you like?
[All I Really Want / Alanis Morissette] Truth. :P

What is your life's story?
[Careless Whispers / Seether] ... which is actually a cover of George Micheal's Never Gonna Dance Again, I believe. Um, I don't really think it describes my life. x.x

What do you want to be when you grow up?
[Rhiannon / Fleetwood Mac] Wait... but I'm already... never mind.

What will you dance to at your wedding?
[Crazy Ex-Girlfriend / Miranda Lambert] OH SHIT I HOPE NOT

What will they play at your funeral?
[White and Nerdy / Weird Al] Nice. Really. I appreciate that, Project Playlist. D:<

What is your biggest fear?
[All Good Things (Come to an End) - Nelly Furtado] Yes. :l

What is your biggest secret?
[Man I Feel Like A Woman / Shania Twain] My biggest secret? That I actually like country music.

What is your future going to be like?
[A Horse With No Name / America] I'm going to a desert?

What do you see in the person you like?
[Walking On Sunshine / Jump 5]

What will the song be for you and your spouse?
[Old School Hollywood / System of a Down] Um. But I'm not into baseball.

Other than that, today Levi and I were supposed to go to the mall with Trevor, a few of his friends, and my cousin. I couldn't go, and Levi decided not to.

And I don't really know what else to say. xD

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out

Or looked down on

Just try your best,

Try everything you can

And don't you worry what they tell themselves

When you're away

["The Middle" - Jimmy Eat World]

Levi and I went to the mall today. :o We didn't have very long, though, because I arrived forty-five minutes late (please. flame me. I'm always late.) and he had to leave at 3:50, therefore giving us an hour and five minutes, if my math is not retarded. We were mostly quiet the entire time, but I didn't mind. It's nice to hang out with him. After he left, Heather, her friend Denae, and I went to Wet Pets to look for another hedgehog for Denae. I don't like pet shops. I didn't want to even glance at the puppies. The entire time I mostly just watched the mice and hamsters. I like mice and hamsters. They're small, relatively quiet, and (to me, at least) cute. My mom would never let me get one, though.

After that, we went to The McDonald's with the Tree, then Target. I ended up in the Books section, looking for a Maximum Ride novel so I could read the back. I found Max, but I wasn't sure if it was the first in the series or not, and I didn't see a number on it. If there is one, then maybe I'm just retarded. I didn't really look too thoroughly because I didn't want to spoil it if it did happen to be a book later in the series. I then searched for at least one Terry Pratchett novel. My search was fruitless. Every store needs a Terry Pratchett novel.

Speaking of which, I have successfully pulled Levi over to the Dark Side. As I type this, he is off reading Night Watch, as he should be doing. :D I lent it to him and he lent me The Tiger Rising after finding that I didn't know what the Sistine Chapel was. (I am officially an idiot.) He said that he thought I'd like the female lead - Sistine Bailey - and he was so right it's scary. xD

As I set down the book, I just started thinking about Sistine's anger, then about my own. I don't really have a reason to be angry, when I think about it. I could just be a naturally angry person. I blow up when someone tells me to shut up. I intentionally do things to piss other people off, just daring them to fight me. Unlike Sistine, I don't have the opportunity to actually fight people as much as I'd like. Yes, I just said "like". I like fighting. Come to think of it, I think I'm just angry at myself. I don't know. ... That's a retarded minirant.

Speaking of tempers, I have a fucked up memory, which I have mentioned before. I don't like it. I sort of like it. But not really. I remember things exactly as they happened. Sometimes from another person's point of view, which is not supposed to be possible and may just be my imagination. But only "important" events stick in my mind. Yeah, half of this is coming out retarded and I just erased my "for instances", because they make me sound like a stalker. I suppose my memory could come in handy, but it hasn't yet. Unless you count being able to remember certain lines in Night Watch, including some from the excerpt from Monstrous Regiment. Every time I cut my hair, I hear Polly's fictional voice in my head saying "The effect the scissors had was... erratic, but it was no worse than other male haircuts here. It'd do." And today when I was wearing my baggy Converse jeans, I remembered the line "Then again, even plain old Sam Vimes didn't have his arse hanging out of his trousers, but no one would have actually started a war if he had." Those aren't exactly useful in everyday life, though, so I'm doubting the utility of my memory skills.

I went blonde on Saturday. No, not literally. I did ask two particularly stupid questions, though. After I heard my parents talking about college, I just blurted out, "Can a woman get a bachelor's degree?" without actually thinking it out. Later that night, my mom was watching a crime show and a dude was talking about what this other dude did to this chick, and he went "--he skinned her, he raped her--" and I accidentally asked out loud: "In that order?" I could hear my sister laughing in the kitchen.

And I'm really stupid for nearly forgetting this, but I told Levi pretty much everything I've been hiding, even though I realized that what I was hiding sounded pretty not-that-bad. But it really was. Is. The Problems did not go away. :l

ItalyItalyItaly. The chick on TV just said "Michaelangelo", reminding me of the fact that Levi wants to go to Sicily. I vote for an Italy roadtrip. I WILL see Venice before it sinks, dammit. BLAME THEIF LORD.

I need to stop typing up rambles and rants and then erasing them. I just prepared an entire ramble about Juuni's personality in comparison to mine and ended up erasing it all.

Am I more than you bargained for yet?

I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear

'Cause that's just who I am this week

["Sugar We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy]

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS.

DID YOU REALIZE THAT FML WAS A BLOG?

YEAH.

YOU CAN FOLLOW IT.

I DID NOT REALIZE THIS UNTIL I READ A BLOG THAT I FOUND BY SEARCHING FOR OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIKED THE INVISIBLE CIRCUS.

Anywho, I really need a life. :l I've been on deviantART and Myspace all day. I don't really have anything to talk about but I have nothing else to do.

Oh my god. Michael Jackson is dead. That is so wrong on so many levels. Michael Jackson? Dead? I just can't believe it. And I just found out that Farrah Fawcett died an hour after he did. Oh, man. Man oh man oh man.

Temptation, frustration

so bad it makes him cry.

Wet bus stop, she's waiting.

His car is warm and dry.

["Don't Stand So Close to Me" - Sting and the Police]

I can't listen to that song without thinking of Charlie Wake and the Chasing Charlie storyline. It's like I can't write anything but tragedies. :l For those of you from Cursed Love / Eight of Cups (they are distinctly different, but characters from Cursed Love cross over to Eight of Cups), you may or may not remember Charlie. The green dude? Only in my mind-book (my term for storylines that run in my head that I know every detail about like they were actual books) he's no longer green. I dislike his previous greenness. In reality, the Apocalyptic Affairs storyline saved Juuni from ending up with Charlie. Really, no one who has never read and followed anything written about these characters on Cursed Love will have a clue what I'm talking about, which I'm pretty glad about. :D It's funny, Cursed Love / Eight of Cups has been such a large part of my life but it's just sort of fizzled out. I suppose it's sort of become one of my secrets? Only, it's loosely kept. I dislike saying the term "roleplaying" on here because I'm sure it brings to others' minds visions of Dungeons and Dragons and stuff like that. Damn. Now I want to write about Charlie. I miss the CL plotlines. Seriously. I still wonder what would have happened if Suna had gotten on the dragon. The whole story could have turned out differently.

But actually, there are two totally different storylines for almost all of my 2007-09 characters. I really prefer the Eight of Cups storylines, honestly. In my opinion, the Cursed Love storylines are two-dimensional. I think of everything written on there as practice and development before we all got down and really started using skills and creativity on Eight of Cups. I like how Juuni and Suna and David and Sin and Haley and Courfeyrac and Charlie have turned out.

I should probably stop rambling, I always sound like a senseless moron when I talk about the characters and storylines.

I haven't been able to work on the bag, but today I set down plans for a halter top. I'm sure no one remembers the day in sixth grade that Laurel came to school wearing my skirt that I'd left at her house (and then bragging about how she thought it looked better on her - sorry, but that did piss me off, it's bad enough she wore my clothes without asking, but she could've at least been modest about it), but if you do happen to, Caroline, Angela, that's the skirt I'm modifying into a top. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, IT'S BROWN. That's all that needs to be said. :D

At the moment, I really have nothing to talk about so I'm just talking about whatever comes to mind and OH HEY YOU GUYS. You NEED to go see this. Warning: includes poler dancers and Amber-the-apostrophe-is-silent. Ha. I just realized I wrote "poler dancers" but I'm too lazy to change it. :D Also, everyone, blame Heather for linking me to Cake Wrecks. Blame her with every bit of your being.

I'm sort of considering linking you guys to my deviantART page. I still need to update it with some arts, though. The plural was intentional, yes. :l Dunno if I will or not, because it's all cartoon-style. Lor, I swear to God that if you post a link I will happily go down to Florida and shoot you. I gave in. :l rhii-radical.deviantart.com

Oh, and I've been talking to Gemma through texts. :D She texted me Friday while Levi and I were playing arcade games and because I'm a horrible forgetful person (I forgot Father's Day), I didn't remember that I had to text her back until yesterday.

It's the edge of the world

and all of western civilization

The sun may rise in the east

At least it settles in a final location

It's understood that Hollywood

sells Californication

["Californication" - Red Hot Chili Peppers]

I AM FEELING SO MUCH BETTER HOLY CRAP.

I guess getting that out of my system in my last post really helped. :o Something clicked in my brain and now I'm starting to know myself. Sounds retarded, but it's true. I'm still pretty confused, but I'm happier.

I've been seriously getting into sewing recently. Last night, I stayed up 'till 3:30 AM working on a messenger bag I was sewing out of a t-shirt and I finished it today (total time spent: seven hours due to hand-sewing). Unfortunately, the strap spontaneously broke (I never said I was good at sewing :l), so now I have to fix that before I can actually use it. I may post a photo of it soon, along with a shawl (I am fucking PROUD of the button I put on it :D).

I have such a strange memory. Last night, while I was sewing (everyone was asleep), I just randomly remembered Levi mentioning the Fourth of July and how he and Trevor used to go down to Panama City, I think? every year, and how I responded, "My family doesn't really do stuff on the Fourth of July. That's just how we roll," and then remembered how I felt so stupid for saying 'that's how we roll'. And now I feel retarded for remembering that I remembered that.

I'm going to make candy on Thursday, by the way. Just because I'm awesome. I'm also thinking about hand-making a few sketchbooks / journals. If I do, I'll probably make some for my friends. They sound pretty easy from the tut I'm reading. Also, I totally want to make stuff out of the old Seventeen magazines I have. I've read and reread them a million times but since I underwent that unbelievable change from girly to tomboy, not much in it is really useful, except for guy advice, career articles, clothes help, etc. In the clothing department, though, I can pretty much handle myself. :/ I usually just wear t-shirts and jeans, but that's really been more of a strict guideline I've had myself on. I've decided to loosen up on what I wear, because I'm seriously running out of t-shirts and polos. Also, I may start wearing Brown again. It deserves the capital letter for being so important in my life that I avoid it like the plague. I think I'm ready for Brown. :o It can no longer hurt my self esteem.

I want to paint my shoes. Yes, I do mean my black Chuck Taylors. I may paint them in blue, yellow, and white. That's only if I can use the woodpaint, though. If I can't, I could always paint them in nail polish, the way I used to paint doll faces, but in that case, I wouldn't have any yellow. D:

I totally want to start a scrapbook out of a binder. I know, it sounds dorky. All I need is a new, white binder, a few cameras (not digital, the kind that you have to have developed - I'm too lazy to Google the actual term), and some average craft supplies. I'd like to document everyday life. (Of course, not the kind of 'everyday life' where I'm sitting at home, I mean the days that I go out with friends. Duh.) I'd sort of like to collaborate on it with someone, but in this case, 'someone' is pretty limited since only, like, four people that I know offline have the link to my blog. xD

I forgot to mention, I have penguin-shaped cookie cutters. Why did no one ever tell me this before? I'm going to use them to cut the sugar candy I'm making Thursday. :D I'm also going to hand-paint the candy (edible paint). Maybe I'll do some, like, black and white striped and some red with white polka dots.

I sound totally girly, don't I? xD It's not that I AM totally girly, it's just that I'm in a total DIY and use the word "totally" a lot mood.

That reminds me, I want to make hats with ears on and hoodies. :o And I still need to make Lor's hoodie. Sorry, Lor. But, hey! At least now when I make it I'll actually have good sewing skills. I'd really like to make stuff for a lot of my friends, but I wouldn't know what they'd like. :l Also, since most of my friends are guys, and sewing and cooking and painting usually produce girly results, I'm at a total loss. I don't really have many materials to make stuff with, right now, though (hence the messenger bag being made out of a t-shirt). BUT GET THIS. I even gave the bag a PHONE POCKET on the INSIDE. It's sad that I'm this proud of adding a phone pocket. :/

I should get started on making those sketchbooks if I'm going to tonight. So, yeah. Later. (Likelihood of me actually doing that: %30. Likelihood of me Googling more DIY tutorials and looking around in an arts-and-crafts-craving frenzy to gather materials that I'll eventually do nothing with: %70.)

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late

could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like the last

leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?

What if, what if, today was your last day?

["If Today Was Your Last Day" - Nickelback]

Whoa. I totally have not updated in... forever. I've got a lot to talk about, so I'll just separate the days. :/ Otherwise, my brain will implode.

THURSDAY

Wednesday night, Angela asked me to hang out at the mall or Barnes and Noble the next day. I said sure, why not? She didn't show. :l Yes, Angela, I was pissed.

I spent the day at the mall, half-alone and half-with-Mark. We really did nothing except for walk around and ride the escalators and stop by Bourbon Street a few times. His coworkers kept telling him he needed to hook up with me because he needed a girlfriend, which made the whole thing slightly awkward. And... I don't really remember much else about Thursday. I probably ran into one or two people I knew, but I don't really care.

FRIDAY

On Friday, Levi and I went to Adventureland. I was nervous beyond doubt at the beginning because I knew exactly what I was going to tell him, and I kept replaying it in my head while trying to gather up the courage to actually say it. To be honest, I had planned to be completely confident and sure of myself when I told him I liked him, and when it came out I couldn't even make eye contact. I won't really go into anymore detail, because Levi didn't, but we're dating now. ... if you read his blog, you already know that, though.

I didn't do anything that night except for try to figure things out in my head and listen to music. I was pretty... well, confused, really. I've come to realize I'm just in a natural, constant state of confusion.

edit. I totally feel horrible because I wrote that in a bad mood and therefore it sounds like it was a bad day. D: It wasn't. It was fun. At the beginning, we played arcade games (I failed so badly) before we got drinks and sat down. We eventually wasted the rest of our tokens and a few quarters on a mood game while talking about anything that came to mind, really. I think that was the most I've actually talked to him outside of blogging, comments, and texts.

SATURDAY

I really didn't do much except for clean. I pulled out my Mythology book and flipped to the Celtic Myths >> Rhiannon section, and reread a particular line: "Rhiannon bears her lot without complaint." The rest of the day, I didn't argue with a single thing my parents asked me to do or said. They still somehow found something to criticize or snap at me for. I still didn't argue. :l I don't know, I sort of think of my fictional namesake as a sort of role model.

Levi isn't the only one who stayed up last night till the early hours of the morning thinking. For one to three in the morning, I sat in the corner with my headphones on, staring at my hands or my mom or the wall. I just sort of shut off and thought and all the emotional stress finally came crashing down on me.

SUNDAY

And today, Levi and I went to the mall, as always. We ran into Sydnee and a guy he knew, Cameron. They walked around with us, and I could tell Levi was getting sort of irritated. Sydnee was starting to seriously tick me off; especially when she asked me if I'd talked to Mitch or Kalynn. :l I don't see why it would have been any of her business, anyway.

But it made me notice that my mind only goes blank when I'm talking to Levi. When Sydnee was talking to me, it was easier to respond. I guess it's because I'm afraid I'd say too much or say something stupid to him but I don't really value Sydnee's shallow, fake friendship. She pretends to like me but to her everything's a joke.

Toward the end of the day, we ended up sitting on the couches and resorted to texting to hold a conversation. It's sort of sad that I can't come up with a decent response unless it's in print. (This was also when we saw Austin-slash-The-Official-Austin-Scott-LookaLike and when Shelby, out of nowhere, walked up to me. If I'm correct, she was probably trying to provoke a bitchy response, which would have worked if not for the fact that I didn't want to swear at her in front of Levi.)

edit. Yesterday wasn't bad, I was just in a bad mood when I wrote that. I enjoyed hanging out at the mall. :D Levi forgot to mention on his blog that he totally freaked out over a spider, but I swear, it WAS staring right at him. Oh, and we saw Caleb Lingo again, but in two days he's moving to Gulf Breeze. We were both pretty quiet the entire day. BUT. After we left, my dad and I totally ended up right behind Levi's mom. At several points, his mom ended up beside us for about half a second, but she drove too fast so I couldn't wave. D': For the record, I would have totally waved, even though I'd pretty much be waving at his mom and not at him.

I HAVE ISSUES.

But you knew that. I mentioned before that I've been thinking, thinking, overthinking. And I seriously feel like one messed up person. I can't explain myself to people. I know what and who I am in my head, but when I try let people in I mess up and it comes out all wrong. And that makes me question myself, am I REALLY who I think I am? Because if I AM, then shouldn't I be able to show everyone else?

It's like that song that comes on the radio constantly, that you hate but you listen to anyway because you can't stop; my screw-ups play in my head regularly, like they want to remind me that I said that, or that I forgot that, or whatever. UGH. They're driving me crazy.

Really, I don't know where I'm going with this. It's like now that I have no reason to hide I want to hide more. There's so much that I need to let out, but I won't. Levi is now trying to keep fewer secrets, and I'm trying to keep more. I'm just messed up right now and no one understands why because I don't want them to know what my real issues are. I'm afraid of being weak.

I have a blender in my stomach. It mixes me up inside and won't stop spinning. The power button is clogged up with emotions and I can't just push it to end my issues. Even when I TRY, I can't be happy for long. I'm just overthinking, everyone says I'm overthinking. But I can't help but look over my shoulder and indulge in my own paranoia.

And I totally sound messed up right now I sort of don't care because I am messed up but I sort of care because it's not a good messed up at all.

I'm sorry, I just need to stop thinking. I'm more afraid of the effect this may have on everyone else because I'm afraid that it'll hurt them or something. I want to be happy. I DON'T want to feel like I have to turn off my phone just so that I don't say something stupid and upset someone.