my favorite part of me
and not my ugly side
["Ugly Side" - Blue October]
I was listening to those CDs earlier. I found a lot of songs that I used to love that remind me of some people. Like "Balance Beam" off of Argue with a Tree by Blue October, which reminds me of Austin because I made him listen to the song at lunch when he was asking for help with a girl he liked. And "Superman" off of America Town by Five for Fighting, which reminds me of my dad because we'd listen to it in the car during the ride to school throughout seventh grade. And that song off the Pink album that I don't want to bother finding the name off - that one reminds me of Jessica because she loves Pink, and when we were little, she'd play some songs by her on her stereo (she also played Aaron Carter and Britney Spears and Hilary Duff).
Anyway, I'm in Florida. Have been since Wednesday night. Sorry I set my blog to private; it's sort of neccessary for now.
I've been pretty bored and I've mostly just texted. Today I ended up texting most of the people in my phone, including Nolan, who went to school with Levi and Cory, and Kate, who lives in Troy and who I don't really know too well but I met her at the SET / Chess Tournament; actually, I met them both at the tournament. Gosh, why do I meet everyone at tournaments? Yesterday I read Wicked. It was pretty good, and it got me thinking. Not about good vs. evil, which seems to be a huge theme behind the book, but instead about how Elphaba pretty much failed at life. Oh, sure, she was a great character, but nothing turned out as planned. I liked that, it wasn't your traditional fairytale. It was realistic.
I was also thinking about individual people in general. We should look at our lives as one-way trips we only get to make once, and we should drive wherever we want and stop at every souvenir shop and run-down, cheap antique store we can on the way. Every person has a story and that should be acknowledged; no matter how undramatic it is or how boring it sounds to others. When I meet a person who is surprisingly mature (actually, anyone who is mature surprises me; most people I know are extremely immature) I like to wonder how they got that way. Maturity doesn't just come with age, it comes with development.
Sometimes I feel selfish because I want to catch all the moments of my life in a net and admire them close-up for a few minutes, then let them go - like butterflies. The moments of my life are butterflies. They're all different, but every single one is beautiful, even if the wing patterns are dull.
Now I just sound ridiculous. Ignore me, please.
It's like I have all the time in the world, and yet it feels like time is running out. I suppose because what I have right now is going to last; everything and everyone around me is real, because I won't let fake in. At the same time, though, school is getting closer. Scary closer. And with school comes less time.
School has sort of got me panicking. I don't have my uniforms, I don't have any school supplies, and I'm freaking out because if I get into any trouble whatsoever this year, I'll be put into Rehobeth schools. I don't want that. I resent Rehobeth.
Only five more years. I only have five more years. Then I'm free to pack up my stuff and leave.
That'll be disappointing to my parents. They're counting on me to be the one to make all the "right" decisions in her life, which I don't like. Heather wants to be a nurse, she wants to go to college, she wants to get married (eventually). I don't want to get married, I don't want kids, I don't want college. I don't mind having a job at some grocery store or mall or something.
This may sound vain, but I don't feel like living in a small town as a dainty little housewife who cooks and cleans and watches reality TV. I feel like there's something bigger for me out there, you know? Not like, destiny or fate or whatever. I don't really believe in that. I do think there are natural guidelines set down, that you can easily bend and break.
I just can't imagine myself married or with kids, anyway. I change my mind too often and I'm just too free-spirited to live like that. I'm just not used to being limited. I can bear it, of course, if it's really what I want or if it's neccessary. It's like my lack of religion - for me, religion is an inconvenience. I am not kidding you. I don't want to be limited to one set of beliefs. I don't NEED beliefs, anyway. And my bisexuality; I don't want to feel like I can only like or date guys. I like people for their personalities, not their physical sex. True, I would only approach guys, but that's because down here, shouting "I LIKE GIRLS /AND/ GUYS!" is synonymous with social suicide.
I'mma end this here. Dave made dinner.
2 comments:
You don't sound ridiculous. :P In fact, I found what you said interesting.
Social suicide. Ha. I always think of Mean girls when I hear that.
"You can't join the Mathletes! That's practically social suicide!"
It gets old, though. Hiding yourself. I got really close to saying screw it and just telling my friends in 8th grade.
I'm already socially handicapped as it is. Being socially dead probably wouldn't be much of a difference for me.
Of course, my dad wants to keep things hush hush because word will get around and get to my brothers eventually.
I think that's the only reason I agreed to keep it quiet. I'd rather not make their life harder.
Most kids at school think I'm a closeted lesbian, anyway. I never really showed much of an interest in guys and I always cling to my chick friends more than is considered normal, even though I don't actually mean it like that. Like with Laurel, I wouldn't go anywhere without her. Plus, one Christmas, she got me a bra and underwear. And brought it to school.
So, really, no one would be surprised. Most of them would be like, "You're bi? COOL!" Well, except Lauren. I don't want Lauren to know, because she lives in a sheltered household and is still uncomfortable with homosexuality and bisexuality. After she asked me what I thought about God, and I told her I wasn't religious, she started trying to sort of convert me to Christianity.
I'm not worried about how it would affect Heather; I mean, she's going to college. It's not like her younger sister being bisexual is going to make many people look at HER differently. Maybe if she were still in high school, or if she were younger than me.
I think I'm only keeping it quiet because I have a lot of famiy in Dothan City Schools, as students and teachers. I don't mind my mom and Heather knowing, but I don't want the rest of my family to know. Not even my dad. They're too judgmental.
Well, maybe not judgmental. I guess I'm sort of afraid they may treat me differently.
Gosh, I need to stop rambling.
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