Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede?
Even heroes have the right to dream
["Superman (It's Not Easy)" - Five for Fighting]
Mkay, 'fore I really start my post, I just remembered something: that I don't remember a thing about Katie. All I really remember is her name, that we were best friends, and that she and Katie Kelley would say they were cousins simply because they had the same first name. I never liked Katie Kelley; I think it was because she called me ugly in first grade. xD But I remember she left the school at the end of third or fourth grade and she started out at Carver in Pod B in middle school. Helen was like "Fuck, the blonde is here." and I was like "Ha, your problem. I don't have to deal with her." I talked to her a few times in the hallway, though, and realized she wasn't as bad as I thought she was. Not long after, she got kicked out. BUT. During the SET / Chess Tournament of 2008, which was at Beverlye, I saw her pass by through the glass door and she waved at me. I think that was right after we got there and I was just standing there looking around nervously. I waved back.
Yes. I did build that up just to say we waved at each other.
Feel free to ignore my elementary school-related ramblings. I mostly just type them to sort my thoughts out. It's like I'm trying to remember a dream I forgot when I woke up.
I found some CDs earlier. I'm probably going to listen to them later. I recognize a few of the bands / singers - Maroon 5, Savage Garden, No Doubt, etc. - but some I've never heard of. Who knows? Maybe by the end of tonight (or rather, by the time I go to sleep) I'll have a new obsession.
Mkay, 'fore I really start my post, I just remembered something: that I don't remember a thing about Katie. All I really remember is her name, that we were best friends, and that she and Katie Kelley would say they were cousins simply because they had the same first name. I never liked Katie Kelley; I think it was because she called me ugly in first grade. xD But I remember she left the school at the end of third or fourth grade and she started out at Carver in Pod B in middle school. Helen was like "Fuck, the blonde is here." and I was like "Ha, your problem. I don't have to deal with her." I talked to her a few times in the hallway, though, and realized she wasn't as bad as I thought she was. Not long after, she got kicked out. BUT. During the SET / Chess Tournament of 2008, which was at Beverlye, I saw her pass by through the glass door and she waved at me. I think that was right after we got there and I was just standing there looking around nervously. I waved back.
Yes. I did build that up just to say we waved at each other.
Feel free to ignore my elementary school-related ramblings. I mostly just type them to sort my thoughts out. It's like I'm trying to remember a dream I forgot when I woke up.
I found some CDs earlier. I'm probably going to listen to them later. I recognize a few of the bands / singers - Maroon 5, Savage Garden, No Doubt, etc. - but some I've never heard of. Who knows? Maybe by the end of tonight (or rather, by the time I go to sleep) I'll have a new obsession.
Levi and I actually went to the mall earlier, because my mom decided that we would leave Tuesday night. I was tired. And braindead. I did have fun, but by the end of the day I was beating myself up. We were sitting outside the elevators when a woman got on and pressed the down button, and when the doors were about to close, she pressed it again and they reopened, and for some reason my brain found it funny, and I laughed. After the doors closed again, I turned to Levi and I said, "Now I feel bad for laughing at that," and he responded, "Yeah. I feel sorry for that lady." I only then realized that she'd been disabled and it looked like I was laughing at her disability. I really felt like an ass.
Other than that, though, I was in a good mood, if tired as hell. Then again, when I'm sleepy, I tend to get irritated and snappy, so sorry if I said / did anything that came across as me being angry / upset, Levi.
I'm going to stop right here to say I'm sick of being put down by my family. They're supposed to be there to support you, but most of them do the opposite. Especially Jessica. I'm used to it, but I never said I enjoyed it. I'm not going to say I suffered, like, psychological trauma from the things she and some others have said, but I know it explains some of how I think. For instance, I'd be taken to Jessica's house everyday to play, and she was my only real friend who I hung out with most of the time. Even though she'd insult me and treated me like shit a lot, I still clung to her for dear life. I still do that. If a person I care about starts treating me badly, instead of being a sensible person and saying "You know what? I'm not going to take this," I let them do it. I'm such a stupid person sometimes. That's what happened with Laurel, and with Austin, and with Cody.
If you're wondering what triggered that, it was because my mom was having breathing problems and when she went into another room with my dad, Heather started snapping at me with her usual you-can't-do-shit-right and try-acting-intelligent-for-a-change shit. I nearly just said "Fuck you." I wish I had. I don't even care if my dad had heard, I wish I had said that.
Screw it. I'm going to go listen to my CDs. Bye.
5 comments:
Mm, Levi, I am a bitch, sweetie.
Actually, it's very frightening to see our mother go into one of her breathing spells, and it's frustrating to be relied on, especially when you are sick - so sick, in fact, I almost passed out in Wal-Mart and almost ended up calling our father to come pick not only Amanda up, but myself as well because I did not think I could drive safely. Which, if you remember Amanda's constant harassment of text messages and phone calls, was why I wanted her to leave early and was frustrated when she was not coming.
Imagine, if you will, a grown woman who is incredibly fragile. She's in her mid-forties, and when she has a breathing spell, she has the physical capabilities of a toddler because she cannot get enough air to her lungs to move.
Now, imagine if you can, someone who is quite sick, cannot speak without a great deal of pain, and has been warned to stay away from the fragile woman because if the fragile woman gets what she has, she could die.
Put the two late into the night, with the sick one just now achieving restful sleep after a long day of pain and sickness.
Put a panicked 13 year old banging on the door of the sick one, yelling that the fragile one is having an attack - when we really never know when an attack could land her in the hospital's ICU.
The fragile one, in turn, tells the sick one not to help, but to switch over clothes.
...Wait, what?
So yes, I can be a bitch. I was last night. I have had 21 years old nursing to our mother, and I have many more to go. Amanda is inexperienced, and I have to tell her how to tend to our mother in those states.
Some of it is very basic, and it leaves me wondering why I have to walk her through it. However, all of it needs to be learned, and I need to be reassured she has learned it, especially since I will not be here in a month to make sure everything is going all right. I do not want Amanda having to go into taking care of our mother blindly. It could be extremely dangerous to our mother, and a burden onto herself. I do not want my sister making a mistake she could possibly carry on with her for the rest of her life.
So yes, I am a bitch, if you want to consider me that. I am also a bitch who cares very deeply for her sister and mother, so I guess that makes me a proud bitch. Touche, sir. Touche.
Now it's my turn to feel like an ass.
I apologize. I was wrong and out of place to say that.
I don't have much to say anymore, seeing as it's already been resolved, but Heather, do me a favor and don't talk condescendingly to him. Go ahead and talk down to me; I deserve it. Obviously, though, Levi is a much better person, and I'd appreciate it if you treated him as an equal instead of referring to him as "sweetie". That just makes you look conceited everytime you call someone that and it simply pisses me off.
Considering, Amanda, I said, "Actually,..." right after it, it would and should be inferred that I was being silly, if somewhat in a dark humored fashion that apparently went over a few heads. Conceited would imply I would be vain, which is terribly and incredibly far from the truth, although if you were going for the obsolete definition, it would imply that I am clever. A recovering English major, remember?
Levi, I meant no real offense, truth be told. Once you are subjected to our family long enough, you will realize what types of humor with which we all are blessed, if you would consider it a blessing. While everything I said was true, understanding I was teasing when I was picking on you over the "bitch" comment whenever I mentioned that phrase. The fact is, all females can be bitches, just as all males can be assholes. It happens, and we all should make light of it. I tend to have a sarcastic, dark sense of humor that far surpasses my sisters, which you have not experienced yet, so it may have come off rather harsher than to which you were accustomed.
(Also, on a side note Mandy, I was, in fact, talking to him as an equal. The things I say are extremely straightforward and blunt, with sharpened edges. I expect people to be able to deal with blatant honesty, whether or not it is what they expect, without being forced to wrap it up in a pretty bow of niceties. To do the opposite would be, for be, talking down to a person. To try to spare his or her feelings by twisting the truth and coloring my words with false pleasantries would be ultimately condescending. I give credit to Levi's intelligence and sensibilities, therefore do not want to sugarcoat my personality for the sake of being truly condescending.)
-aqward...-
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