Don't even talk about the consequence

'Cause right now you're the only thing making any sense to me

My first period class made Walworth cry. I didn't even want to look her in the eyes. I just kept my head down and doodled. It's sort of depressing that kids can be so horrible that they make their teachers cry. I never talk in her class anymore because I get irritated when I say something and then someone around me makes a stupid reply. I'm usually pretty tolerant but I've been dealing with it all year and I am sick of it. I'm about ready to get my stuff and move next to Keeley (for some reason, I don't sit next to her in any of my classes - I don't think it's outwardly intentional on either of our parts, but it could be subconsciously).

Braxton kept trying to get me to tell him what was 'wrong' in Biology. You'd think he'd understand by now that I am angry at him. My anger is not easily assuaged.

Like Levi mentioned, Austin wasn't at school today. I texted him to find out what happened and he got defensive and touchy, saying things like "Why do you even care anymore? I thought we weren't friends." When I convinced him to answer, he said that he woke up at 2:00 P.M. because his alarm didn't go off (when I asked how no one noticed he was still in bed, he stopped texting). I still can't bring myself to think that he actually cares. I've lost most of my trust in him, so I'm pretty hard-hearted toward him right now. But still...

Not only does that make me feel guilty, but also what I've said to Angela today does as well. Although I didn't lie to her, I could have been a little less blunt. I was hurt, though. I do feel that she ignores me in favor of 'fun' people - such as Keeley. She posted on the cBox today, asking why we never go to the mall anymore. We never go anywhere anymore. I usually don't invite people to hang out, and when I do, it's usually someone I don't know very well so that I can get to know them better. That makes it partly my fault, because I need to hang out with my in-school friends outside of school as well and because I need to make myself more available TO hang out with my friends like Angela when they ask me to. Sometimes I feel like she wants to hang out with other people more than she does me. I can understand this - I'm not the most interesting person to be around. I'm quiet, mainly because everyone else is loud and if I say something it gets lost (or I get interrupted) or I have something to say but I can't find an opening to interrupt and by the time they get quiet they've usually moved off the topic entirely. But, simply, I'm quiet.

Angela is loud. She likes to laugh and sing and joke and shout silly stuff like "Mitch has muffins!" She's hyper and giggly and I am not. I actually don't know how we became best friends (at least to me, she's my best friend), but we did and that's that. She has a tendency to talk over me and converse with other 'loud' people. And then I stay quiet. This is demonstrated at morning carpool, at P.E., in Civics, afternoon carpool, and even 'field trips' when others are there. During the party on Saturday I mostly kept to myself or ate or sang or texted or wore goofy glasses.

I'm not trying to say she's a horrible friend. Actually, I don't really know where my train of thought went because it fell off the tracks several times while I ate dinner or did the dishes. I am trying to say that she and I have differences and that we should probably find a balance. I need to become more outgoing and she needs to slow down.

I'm pretty lucky to have her as a friend and I feel guilty about making her feel guilty and about getting angry at her, but it's been building up for months and I had to let it go sometime. Reading her blog, I understand that she understands and I'm glad. I understand that she gets distracted and isn't really very interested in hearing about things that have nothing to do with her or people she knows, and I'll try to speak up and talk about subjects that interest us both.

Like the Harry Potter series and holy crap Angie the sixth movie comes out July 15th so we seriously need to get our plans together this summer 'cos we are soooooo having a party dammit