Took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind

I left my body laying somewhere in the sands of time

["Kryptonite" - 3 Doors Down]

Levi and I went to the mall today. I had planned to get there a bit early so I could get a t-shirt or something (I've become an online shopping junkie but without PayPal I have to rely on what our in-city stores have in stock) but my sister picked me up a little late. I was proud of my hair - instead of curling at the ends like usual, it stayed straight (thank god for sunshine). Actually, today was the only sunny day we've gone to the mall.

It was fun, and I like being around Levi. Today, though, I felt like I messed up or did something wrong or something. Not sure why. I guess it could have been because I was stressed and trying to show it as little as possible. Or because I feel as though I have a lot of personality online and through texts but in person I'm extremely boring to be around. I need to relax and stop worrying so much. :\

Out of curiosity, I stole this from Chloe's dA journal. Comment with the questions and your response. If you want to. o.o

+WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I...+
I committed suicide:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I lived next door to you:
I started smoking:
I stole something:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got into a fight and you weren't there:


+WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY...+
Personality:
Eyes:
Hair:
Family:


+WOULD YOU...+
Be my friend?:
Keep a secret if I told you one?:
Hold my hand?:
Take a bullet for me?:
Keep in touch?:
Try and solve my problems?:
Love me?:
Date me?:


+HAVE YOU EVER...+
Lied to make me feel better?:
Wanted to kiss me?:
Wanted to kill me?:
Broke my heart?:
Kept something important from me?:
Thought I was unbearably annoying?:


+AND MORE...+
1. Who are you?:
2. Are we friends?:
3. When and how did we meet?:
6. Describe me in one word.:
7. What was your first impression?:
8. Do you still think that way about me now?:
9. What reminds you of me?:
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
11. How well do you know me?:
12. When's the last time you saw me?:
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?:
14. Are you gonna paste this to your blog to see what I say about you?:

EDIT:

Er. Some of those questions can come out a bit awkward. You can skip any questions you don't want to answer. :\

I'm like a rookie paramedic to a siren

praying for an accident

["Doctor" - Cute Is What We Aim For]

Yesterday was the last day of school. I was calm during the day, but at carpool I broke down and started crying (Keeley didn't know what to do). During third period, Angela, Lynette, Shay, and I kept trying to sneak out without Walworth noticing. Eventually, we managed to skip, but by that point there were only a few minutes left of third period P.E. (I'd like to interrupt to add that I gave Caleb Bubbles my phone number during second period 'cos he's moving and I'd like to keep in touch with him.) During fourth period P.E., Austin was skipping his computer class, so he was hiding from the coaches by sitting curled up on that concrete floor between the top bleacher row and the wall. I sat by him and we talked a bit. Not much, but a bit.

Around that point, Laiken, Braxton, Brandon, and maybe Elliot began to tease Thompson for what he'd been caught doing in the computer classroom that I would rather not repeat. He began to get angry and starting yelling at them and then moved over to the other bleachers. I don't know if it was before or after this that the miniature fight between him and Brandon / Elliot began. It consisted of hitting, slapping, and yelling, and lasted less than three minutes. They continued to tease him even when he wasn't over there (this included counting to three and getting almost everyone in the group to yell, "THOMPSON!" in unison; I think Angela, Chris, and I were the only ones who didn't participate). So, he stomped over and screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING WANT?" or something to that degree. I forgot what happened after that. I don't think I was really paying attention. I think I was talking to Austin and Laiken and trying very hard to ignore Kalyn.

Fifth period went by and I got my report card (all A's and B's except for P.E., in which I had a D). Like I mentioned before, I started crying at carpool. Then I went home.

My mom and sister got into an argument and I think my sister is moving out. I was taken down to Marianna, Florida for my cousin Tyler's graduation (which lasted 'till eleven), which was not particularly what I had planned.

I've gotten addicted to a few different bands recently, also: Jack's Mannequin, Cute Is What We Aim For, The Maine, Mayday Parade, and The Academy Is...; I still need to check out Alkaline Trio, NeverSayNever, and Enter Shikari.

I can hear it, the jet engine

through the center of the storm

and I'm thinking

I'd prefer not to be rescued

Blame Chloe - she got me addicted to Jack's Mannequin, especially "Rescued". Reminds me of a long-forgotten story that never had an ending. Chloe and Danielle understand.

Yesterday was the awards ceremony. I got two awards - one for getting third place in the SET Tournament (I fail) and the other for 'participating' in United Nations (I was sick the days of competition). Afterwards, my dad stood there in the crowd of kids, looked at me, and said, "They kicked your ass."

I don't really remember yesterday, except that I finished The Outsiders. It's... amazing how powerful a thin novel like that can be. People separate themselves into groups, and that's human nature; it'll never change, and it'll be passed down through generations, but regardless of what group you're in, everyone is human. Like Cherry Valance says, "things are hard all 'round." Despite this, resentment grows just as naturally as the individuals form themselves into opposing sides. Violence and hate blossoms. But there's no point. Then again, circles never end and circles never have a point. And it's all just one big circle.

I'm still waiting for it to hit me that everything is changing and ending. I just don't know what to think anymore. In review, a few of the things I gained out of seventh grade were a harsher outlook on life, a more brutal temper, and a fear of settling. A fear of settling on anything; I'm afraid of getting in a relationship with any of my friends because I can't see it lasting. I'm afraid that if I did get into a relationship, it would end so soon I could barely blink, or that it would be unhappy. It's less about the actual relationship and more about what it might do to the friendship.

Today was almost normal. It didn't seem like the last full day of school. I find it hard to believe that it was, even though I know it's undeniable. I'm going to cry tomorrow. That's as undeniable a fact as that today was the last full day. I always cry on the last day of school.

At least I'll have a busy summer.

Also, in response to Levi's comments about apartments on his blog, I plan on saving up money throughout eighth grade and high school so that I can have my own apartment by age seventeen. I also plan on finishing the comic book, which is on hold because Chloe has been working on her art profile and Lor has been hanging out with her boyfriend and Melissa has been doing whatever Melissa does and Gemma has been being Canadian (and because I've been spending more time using my blog or hanging out with Angela or Levi and because my tablet pen is lost and my laptop died for good and I do a large part of the work on the comic and by God I need to whip the team into shape or it'll never get done and they better damn well get ready because I am so about to get on their asses about work; they're the ones who agreed to do the comic). ANYWHO I also plan on dying my hair dark purple the day after I graduate from high school. rebelllllion

I'd like to buy the world a Coke

and keep it company :)

So Levi and I went to the mall today (naturally). We only had an hour and thirty minutes - we both got there a little late and my sister was determined to leave at 4:oo P.M. - but we made the most of it. I was so smart that I wore a tank top on a rainy, cold day. Yep.

Basically, we do nothing but walk around, ride escalators, dodge people we know, and drink Coke. I love Sundays. :D But for some reason, Sunday draws all of the 'gossip queens' in seventh grade to the mall. Last time we saw Sam and Kendall, which wasn't too bad because I'm on good terms with them, but today we ran into Morgan and Katie (they run in pairs :o). They didn't see me because I started walking faster after the brief shock wore off and sort of hid behind Levi. If they had seen me, though, they'd automatically tell people like Lynette. :\

He played poker for eleven hours and only got four hours of sleep, so he was a bit loopy, but in a good way. xD We sat and drank Coke and looked at the dates on our coins (I had a 1965 penny WHAT THEN) and he made a statue out of our straw wrappers. I managed to get him to go get a cookie with me. He wasn't going to get himself a cookie at first, but my influence was too influenzic (don't ask o.o). So he got a cookie and I got two. I ripped the second one in half and gave him one half for later. If you don't eat it, Levi, you will make me sad. D:

Next Sunday I'll probably have to get my dad to drop me off instead of having my sister take me and stay at the mall. I'm getting sick of her making me leave early, and she won't be able to to take me for the next two Sundays anywho. If it's a clear day, my mom will pro'lly let me stay there without having a family member stick around. It makes me feel like a dork when my sister or dad are somewhere in the mall, 'cos no one else's parents do that. :\

My birthday is the Tuesday after next (June 2nd). I'm not having a party, but I'll probably drag Levi and Angela out somewhere. Maybe not together, since they don't know each other and I don't think either would enjoy being stuck with a person they don't know. I do not eat cake so don't even suggest it. Does anyone know of some good movies playing on the second? I usually go to a movie for birthdays (last year: Iron Man; previous year: At World's End) and then out to eat afterwards (last year: McDonald's; previous year: Chili's). I'd kind of like to do something less monotonous and plain, though. I mean, I'm turning thirteen. I don't like drawing attention to the fact that it is my birthday on my actual birthday (and opening presents is always awkward for me), so I'd like it to be something not birthday-specific but still fun at the same time. Dunno how I'm going to really work out my plans if I hang out with Ange and Levi separately.

Birthdays are confusing. :\

I'm the new cancer

never looked better

you.can't.stand.it.

Today was the field trip to Patricia Lanes. I was on the N-Z bus (no one in seventh grade has a 'Y' or a 'Z' name anywho - I'm the fourth to last person in the alphabet), which - yes - meant I was on the bus with Shelby, Austin, and Braxton. And yes, I did sit near them. The ride there, I ignored them and stared out the window (Austin and Shelby sat behind me, Austin on my side next to the window, and Braxton sat across the aisle from me). The ride back, I was laughing and joking around with Austin. It was almost like last year.

At Lanes, I only bowled once, then gave up. I could barely lift the ball. Caroline, Angela, and Helen all took turns as Honorary Rhiannes. I mostly walked around with Caroline's jacket on and a Monster in my hand (Brandon, Angela, and Helen all drank out of it xD). I'm not supposed to drink energy drinks because of my heart condition and I don't care. I finished the entire thing, even though I was about to throw up and I had a splitting headache (Austin found this hilarious, which I found hilarious).

Austin rode the pony - he rode it reeeel good. xD There was one of those horses that moves around and tries to knock the person off and Austin rode it and tried to make it look sexual even though it made him hurt. (To which I responded, "Dude, that's why guys in skinnies don't need to ride those damn things.") He, Angela, Helen, and Caroline are NEVER driving me ANYWHERE. There was a taxi game in the arcade room and I watched them play it. They fail. SORRY ANGE D:

Not much else happened today. I need a more interesting life.

Thanks for the memories

even though they weren't so great

So today we got yearbooks, which is, like, epic. I colored the McDonald's fries on mine with a yellow sharpie-knock off. My signature on most peoples' yearbooks included a retarded inside joke, finished off with "-RhiiRadical" or "-Rhii".

The signatures in my yearbook (so far) are as follows:

Harry Potter say WHAT?! I [heart] Sirius

~ANGELA

Hey Amanda

How are you Amanda

Love you Amanda

Yo.

- Beza :o3

Laiken

[heart]'s

you

I [heart] you!

Remember not to hit anyone! =)

-[heart]-

Lauren M

Heather

wuz

Here!

I [heart] u!

hi =)

Mark Govoni

Moo!

(Bill AKA Ben)

I

[heart]

U!!

Lauren

Mitchell T.

Rhianne :D

is cooler than your mother ;p

Kendall :)

Mexican

says

Hi!

Sydnee_seizure

[heart]'s

here!

Ash!

I [heart] YEW

ARTIST

RI RI

^ INSERT "H" Here

Margaret Landers

. . . . .

Helen

[peace] [heart] =)

Heyllo!

Austin

I love Rhianne!

-sam m.

Rhianne -

Your AWESOME!

Thanks for being my Super Buddy! I love you's!

See you in the hall. Have an awesome summer! -Caroline!

Rhianne

you

ROK!!

MGB

BK

Patrick's Corner

I've enjoyed beeing yor friend and will be looking forward to seeing u later somtime!

Bye Bye!

=P

AMANDA!!!

(Rhianne :( )

You're awesome!

Don't ever change!

-always Emma Salisbury

Have a great summer

[heart] U! - Braxton

Connor wuzn't here he wuz here -> here

Rhianne!

I [heart] U and your so great at drawing. THIS IS MY page and don't forget it.

Over the summer, remember:

stay safe (u no what I mean),

stay cewl,

don't get pregnant,

when you go to the beach don't go touch the jelly fish.

And don't forget, STAY RANDOMLY

AWESOME! awswer the telly! Sharon!

[heart] Chris

Ash! :)

I have dorky friends. <3

I only appear four times in the yearbook: My seventh grade fall photo (fourth to last person), my Tech Lab photo (I look like a boy with my hair pulled back and an Auburn sweatshirt on), my SAMUN Ethiopia photo (in the back - with my hair tied up), and a photo of Helen and me at the Valentine's Dance (only good photo of me - but my dress looks photoshopped). I went around looking up the photos of the random sixth- and eighth-graders who I annoy the hell out of on a daily basis (or when I get a chance). I don't count Cory, Levi, or Leandra as being 'random' eighth graders since I've known them all since last year. :D (I met Leandra when we were preparing for the fall dance.) The 'random' eighth graders I do try to bug when I can are Ellis and Nolan, though. I'd bug the Taylor twins but they hate me because I broke up with their younger brother (dude, he wouldn't let my friends near me and he talked back to my dad - hell no) and then we prank called their mom's cell phone (I had taken his name off my contact list and I didn't have his number memorized so we called what seemed to be a random number on my Recieved Calls list - oops). Plus, they creep me out. D: In sixth grade, I stalk Jessica, Margaret, Ben, and Patrick.

At P.E. when we were signing, Kalyn turned to me and she said "Rhianne, you can sign if you want." and I ignored her blatantly. I'm a mean person sometimes but I really don't care. Also, glancing at some of my friends' yearbooks that she did sign, I noticed that I spell her name wrong. She spells her own middle name wrong - it's 'Rianne', which is completely fucked up - so I won't bother spelling her first name right. (Yes, you may draw my attention to the fact that my birth certificate spells my middle name the same way, but that is because the people who printed it were on crack. I always have and always will spell my name "Rhianne". It is not "Rianne", it is not "Rihanne" or "Rihanna" or "Rhianna", it is not "Brianne" or "Leanne" and it sure as hell ain't "Rhainne". I swear, I have been called Leanne, Brianna, Rihanna, and 'Rain'. When I was Amanda, I was called Miranda, so don't start with me about changing my name back, dammit.)

AWESOME 3OH!3 JUST CAME ON THE RADIO EPIIIIIIC

I have the urge to burst into totally inappropriate song, man.

I forgot to say: I went to my blog page to get the photo off my profile for my Seventh Grade Scrapbook that was totally overdue at school and I forgot to clear the history. Brady and Russell found it during their Math class and have started telling people I posted stuff about Brooke and Eden. You never see the name 'Brooke' in here and I only talked about Eden when I was relating the Lynette incident (I talk about Lynette shamelessly and I don't really care if she knows that). I was pissed. I signed on to my own blog to show them that I didn't post anything, and then I erased all history of it on the school computers. Gr.

Don't even talk about the consequence

'Cause right now you're the only thing making any sense to me

My first period class made Walworth cry. I didn't even want to look her in the eyes. I just kept my head down and doodled. It's sort of depressing that kids can be so horrible that they make their teachers cry. I never talk in her class anymore because I get irritated when I say something and then someone around me makes a stupid reply. I'm usually pretty tolerant but I've been dealing with it all year and I am sick of it. I'm about ready to get my stuff and move next to Keeley (for some reason, I don't sit next to her in any of my classes - I don't think it's outwardly intentional on either of our parts, but it could be subconsciously).

Braxton kept trying to get me to tell him what was 'wrong' in Biology. You'd think he'd understand by now that I am angry at him. My anger is not easily assuaged.

Like Levi mentioned, Austin wasn't at school today. I texted him to find out what happened and he got defensive and touchy, saying things like "Why do you even care anymore? I thought we weren't friends." When I convinced him to answer, he said that he woke up at 2:00 P.M. because his alarm didn't go off (when I asked how no one noticed he was still in bed, he stopped texting). I still can't bring myself to think that he actually cares. I've lost most of my trust in him, so I'm pretty hard-hearted toward him right now. But still...

Not only does that make me feel guilty, but also what I've said to Angela today does as well. Although I didn't lie to her, I could have been a little less blunt. I was hurt, though. I do feel that she ignores me in favor of 'fun' people - such as Keeley. She posted on the cBox today, asking why we never go to the mall anymore. We never go anywhere anymore. I usually don't invite people to hang out, and when I do, it's usually someone I don't know very well so that I can get to know them better. That makes it partly my fault, because I need to hang out with my in-school friends outside of school as well and because I need to make myself more available TO hang out with my friends like Angela when they ask me to. Sometimes I feel like she wants to hang out with other people more than she does me. I can understand this - I'm not the most interesting person to be around. I'm quiet, mainly because everyone else is loud and if I say something it gets lost (or I get interrupted) or I have something to say but I can't find an opening to interrupt and by the time they get quiet they've usually moved off the topic entirely. But, simply, I'm quiet.

Angela is loud. She likes to laugh and sing and joke and shout silly stuff like "Mitch has muffins!" She's hyper and giggly and I am not. I actually don't know how we became best friends (at least to me, she's my best friend), but we did and that's that. She has a tendency to talk over me and converse with other 'loud' people. And then I stay quiet. This is demonstrated at morning carpool, at P.E., in Civics, afternoon carpool, and even 'field trips' when others are there. During the party on Saturday I mostly kept to myself or ate or sang or texted or wore goofy glasses.

I'm not trying to say she's a horrible friend. Actually, I don't really know where my train of thought went because it fell off the tracks several times while I ate dinner or did the dishes. I am trying to say that she and I have differences and that we should probably find a balance. I need to become more outgoing and she needs to slow down.

I'm pretty lucky to have her as a friend and I feel guilty about making her feel guilty and about getting angry at her, but it's been building up for months and I had to let it go sometime. Reading her blog, I understand that she understands and I'm glad. I understand that she gets distracted and isn't really very interested in hearing about things that have nothing to do with her or people she knows, and I'll try to speak up and talk about subjects that interest us both.

Like the Harry Potter series and holy crap Angie the sixth movie comes out July 15th so we seriously need to get our plans together this summer 'cos we are soooooo having a party dammit