Because I only want you to see

my favorite part of me

and not my ugly side

["Ugly Side" - Blue October]

I was listening to those CDs earlier. I found a lot of songs that I used to love that remind me of some people. Like "Balance Beam" off of Argue with a Tree by Blue October, which reminds me of Austin because I made him listen to the song at lunch when he was asking for help with a girl he liked. And "Superman" off of America Town by Five for Fighting, which reminds me of my dad because we'd listen to it in the car during the ride to school throughout seventh grade. And that song off the Pink album that I don't want to bother finding the name off - that one reminds me of Jessica because she loves Pink, and when we were little, she'd play some songs by her on her stereo (she also played Aaron Carter and Britney Spears and Hilary Duff).

Anyway, I'm in Florida. Have been since Wednesday night. Sorry I set my blog to private; it's sort of neccessary for now.

I've been pretty bored and I've mostly just texted. Today I ended up texting most of the people in my phone, including Nolan, who went to school with Levi and Cory, and Kate, who lives in Troy and who I don't really know too well but I met her at the SET / Chess Tournament; actually, I met them both at the tournament. Gosh, why do I meet everyone at tournaments? Yesterday I read Wicked. It was pretty good, and it got me thinking. Not about good vs. evil, which seems to be a huge theme behind the book, but instead about how Elphaba pretty much failed at life. Oh, sure, she was a great character, but nothing turned out as planned. I liked that, it wasn't your traditional fairytale. It was realistic.

I was also thinking about individual people in general. We should look at our lives as one-way trips we only get to make once, and we should drive wherever we want and stop at every souvenir shop and run-down, cheap antique store we can on the way. Every person has a story and that should be acknowledged; no matter how undramatic it is or how boring it sounds to others. When I meet a person who is surprisingly mature (actually, anyone who is mature surprises me; most people I know are extremely immature) I like to wonder how they got that way. Maturity doesn't just come with age, it comes with development.

Sometimes I feel selfish because I want to catch all the moments of my life in a net and admire them close-up for a few minutes, then let them go - like butterflies. The moments of my life are butterflies. They're all different, but every single one is beautiful, even if the wing patterns are dull.

Now I just sound ridiculous. Ignore me, please.

It's like I have all the time in the world, and yet it feels like time is running out. I suppose because what I have right now is going to last; everything and everyone around me is real, because I won't let fake in. At the same time, though, school is getting closer. Scary closer. And with school comes less time.

School has sort of got me panicking. I don't have my uniforms, I don't have any school supplies, and I'm freaking out because if I get into any trouble whatsoever this year, I'll be put into Rehobeth schools. I don't want that. I resent Rehobeth.

Only five more years. I only have five more years. Then I'm free to pack up my stuff and leave.

That'll be disappointing to my parents. They're counting on me to be the one to make all the "right" decisions in her life, which I don't like. Heather wants to be a nurse, she wants to go to college, she wants to get married (eventually). I don't want to get married, I don't want kids, I don't want college. I don't mind having a job at some grocery store or mall or something.

This may sound vain, but I don't feel like living in a small town as a dainty little housewife who cooks and cleans and watches reality TV. I feel like there's something bigger for me out there, you know? Not like, destiny or fate or whatever. I don't really believe in that. I do think there are natural guidelines set down, that you can easily bend and break.

I just can't imagine myself married or with kids, anyway. I change my mind too often and I'm just too free-spirited to live like that. I'm just not used to being limited. I can bear it, of course, if it's really what I want or if it's neccessary. It's like my lack of religion - for me, religion is an inconvenience. I am not kidding you. I don't want to be limited to one set of beliefs. I don't NEED beliefs, anyway. And my bisexuality; I don't want to feel like I can only like or date guys. I like people for their personalities, not their physical sex. True, I would only approach guys, but that's because down here, shouting "I LIKE GIRLS /AND/ GUYS!" is synonymous with social suicide.

I'mma end this here. Dave made dinner.

Heather, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't talk to him so condescendingly. Referring to people as "dear" and "sweetie" may seem to you like it makes you sound intelligent, but in reality it simply makes you sound conceited.

If you want to teach me how to take care of her, try to do so without calling me "fucking incompetent," especially when you usually jump to conclusions. You walk in on a situation and automatically assume that you're being called because I can't do a simple task. You don't even wait for an explanation. Why do you think I never tell you any of my fucking problems or try to talk to you?

I know you care about me. Right now, though, you're just talking, not walking. When you fucking show it, I'll shut my mouth.

I'm being immature about this. I understand that. Right now, I'm just too pissed to try to be mature.

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive

Even heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed, but won't you concede?

Even heroes have the right to dream

["Superman (It's Not Easy)" - Five for Fighting]

Mkay, 'fore I really start my post, I just remembered something: that I don't remember a thing about Katie. All I really remember is her name, that we were best friends, and that she and Katie Kelley would say they were cousins simply because they had the same first name. I never liked Katie Kelley; I think it was because she called me ugly in first grade. xD But I remember she left the school at the end of third or fourth grade and she started out at Carver in Pod B in middle school. Helen was like "Fuck, the blonde is here." and I was like "Ha, your problem. I don't have to deal with her." I talked to her a few times in the hallway, though, and realized she wasn't as bad as I thought she was. Not long after, she got kicked out. BUT. During the SET / Chess Tournament of 2008, which was at Beverlye, I saw her pass by through the glass door and she waved at me. I think that was right after we got there and I was just standing there looking around nervously. I waved back.

Yes. I did build that up just to say we waved at each other.

Feel free to ignore my elementary school-related ramblings. I mostly just type them to sort my thoughts out. It's like I'm trying to remember a dream I forgot when I woke up.

I found some CDs earlier. I'm probably going to listen to them later. I recognize a few of the bands / singers - Maroon 5, Savage Garden, No Doubt, etc. - but some I've never heard of. Who knows? Maybe by the end of tonight (or rather, by the time I go to sleep) I'll have a new obsession.

Levi and I actually went to the mall earlier, because my mom decided that we would leave Tuesday night. I was tired. And braindead. I did have fun, but by the end of the day I was beating myself up. We were sitting outside the elevators when a woman got on and pressed the down button, and when the doors were about to close, she pressed it again and they reopened, and for some reason my brain found it funny, and I laughed. After the doors closed again, I turned to Levi and I said, "Now I feel bad for laughing at that," and he responded, "Yeah. I feel sorry for that lady." I only then realized that she'd been disabled and it looked like I was laughing at her disability. I really felt like an ass.

Other than that, though, I was in a good mood, if tired as hell. Then again, when I'm sleepy, I tend to get irritated and snappy, so sorry if I said / did anything that came across as me being angry / upset, Levi.

I'm going to stop right here to say I'm sick of being put down by my family. They're supposed to be there to support you, but most of them do the opposite. Especially Jessica. I'm used to it, but I never said I enjoyed it. I'm not going to say I suffered, like, psychological trauma from the things she and some others have said, but I know it explains some of how I think. For instance, I'd be taken to Jessica's house everyday to play, and she was my only real friend who I hung out with most of the time. Even though she'd insult me and treated me like shit a lot, I still clung to her for dear life. I still do that. If a person I care about starts treating me badly, instead of being a sensible person and saying "You know what? I'm not going to take this," I let them do it. I'm such a stupid person sometimes. That's what happened with Laurel, and with Austin, and with Cody.

If you're wondering what triggered that, it was because my mom was having breathing problems and when she went into another room with my dad, Heather started snapping at me with her usual you-can't-do-shit-right and try-acting-intelligent-for-a-change shit. I nearly just said "Fuck you." I wish I had. I don't even care if my dad had heard, I wish I had said that.

Screw it. I'm going to go listen to my CDs. Bye.

Hey there, Delilah, what's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away, but girl, tonight you look so pretty

Yes, you do

Times Square can't shine as bright as you

I swear it's true

["Hey There, Delilah" - Plain White Tees]

List ten songs you remind you of one (or different) person(s). No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good - it simply must be a song that reminds you of a particular person. It could be the song you heard when you met, or maybe the lyrics just apply to the person(s). Anything goes! The only catch is that you cannot name the person(s); it has to be anonymous!

I totally stole this from Heather. I just felt like doing something different for a change. I'm in a better mood than I was earlier, anyway. :o

I. "Dirty Little Secret" by All-American Rejects

I can still recall sixth grade, when you and Laurel would sing that. I don't really like the memory, because I'd usually be sort of shunned whenever I sang it, even though I'd liked the song for quite a while and it was on the mixed CD I let you guys listen to at break, but it still reminds me of you. In a good way, of course.

II. "Afterlife" by Avenged Sevenfold

While the lyrics have nothing to do with you and me, it's still the first song you got me to listen to by A7x, and one of the few that I like by them. Everytime I hear it I think of you saying "You should listen to Afterlife. In my opinion, it's a better I-hate-you-but-I-love-you song than I Hate Everything About You. They're both still good, though."

III. "Teenagers" by My Chemical Romance

One of the good memories I have about you. When I hear it, I think of standing in your room, sort of awkwardly, while getting ready to go out with you to the movies. I remember hearing the song and liking it and wondering who it was by, but being too afraid to ask because I'd sound stupid. "Party Like a Rockstar", "Soulja Boi Tell'Em", and "Hey There, Delilah" also remind me of that night; the first two played in the car on the way there, and the last was on the radio sitting on your counter when we got back. I smiled when I heard it. Oh, and Transformers, because that was the movie we were going to see.

Although, now, anything by MCR reminds me of Levi. xD

IV. "Last Resort" by Papa Roach

Oh, man. Marianna Caverns. While it may have been in Florida, it was still fun. One of the only times I went down there willingly. This song reminds me of you in particular because you were such a dork and put your iPod next to my ear singing the song, and I just looked at you and laughed and said, "You are so lame." I remember that because Angela and Laurel and Austin were there, before everything went fucked. It was a nice day.

V. "Wait and Bleed" by Slipknot

I. Want. To. Bang. My. Head. On. My. Desk. When. I. Hear. This. Song. UGH. "Slipknot this, Slipknot that, skateboarding, Slipknot, razors, Slipknot, more skateboarding, SlipknotSlipknotSlipknot." I don't care about Slipknot and skateboarding. It's nice that those are your interests, but try shutting up for once and letting the other person talk to you instead of trying to shove what you like down their throat.

VI. "Sorry" by Buckcherry

This only reminds me of you because you'd giggle and squeal and go on about how this was your and your now-ex's song. I listened to you talk about how much you loved him, and I comforted you while you cried after he broke up with you by texting. I let you complain about how your parents just didn't "get" what you guys had, and I laughed with you when you finally got over him and he was trying to IM you to have you back. Now, that that's all said and done, I run into you at the mall and some of the first words out of your mouth are "Corey's here, we're trying to hide from him." I sort of stared at you, both because I was confused as to why you still had anything to do with him, and because it took me a second to remember you were talking about your ex, and not Cory as in Cory. And then I realized that you just have nothing better to do than get yourself caught back up in drama. Your current Myspace status proves that.

VII. "Thriller" by Michael Jackson

I don't really need to say much more. I know that if you were actually reading this, you'd know exactly why. We'd sing this at lunch - in the library - in the hallway - at PE. I'd laugh, because you always say "Thriller" so goofy. I remember how you and Cody would start singing "I'm Sorry, Mrs. Jackon". Although, I think you changed the lyrics. I don't remember. I know you texted me one night while I was walking to my room and you were like "omg let's start a remix band and name it SPONGEBOB REMIXPANTS!!!" and I was like "LOL dude, why?"

VIII. "Riot" by Three Days Grace

I've already mentioned you, but this reminds me of the night you brought that CD over and we listened to that and to Blue October and to Avril Lavigne (FYI you still have my copy of The Best Damn Thing, but I get the feeling I'm never getting it back). I don't remember much about that night, except you confessing a secret to me while we sat on the floor in silence. I kept that secret. I still do, no matter how much I hate you.

IX. "Innocence" by Avril Lavigne

Hearing this reminds me of the Fourth of July party, 2007. You've always stood up for me, and I think I took that for granted. I'm sorry. I simply wouldn't be the same if I'd never met you. I might still be innocent and shy and scared. I think you moving to Dothan was one of the best things that could have happened to me.

X. "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls

Need I say more?

You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime

["Bad Day" - Daniel Powter]

Today has just plain sucked from the second I woke up.

(Oh, and I hate Florida.)

Mandy used to be that girl,

the one that never said a word

But she only sang S Club 7

and all those boy bands

Now it's been a few years

and looks like things have changed

["Mandy" - Jonas Brothers]

YOUR EYES DO NOT DECEIVE YOU. I DID POST JONAS BROTHERS LYRICS, DESPITE MY PREVIOUSLY STATING THAT I COULDN'T STAND THEM. This is the only song by them that I like, but it's only because it has one of my names in it. xD I'm like a kid - anything that has one of my names is automatically cool. Except Kalynn, Kalynn still fails. -stubborn-

Songs with the names Amanda, Mandy, and Rhiannon are strangely common. Go figure.

My mom is watching Toddlers and Tiaras and it makes me want to bang my head on my desk. Seeing those little girls walking around like miniatures Barbies is sickening. It's like when I see chicks my age posting Myspace photos in revealing bikinis and thick eyeliner. They don't get that it doesn't make them look older, it just makes them look like sluts and prosti-tots. Maybe if they took off all that make-up and dressed in something more appropriate, they'd look more mature.

Damn. I sound like such a prude. Maybe I should liven up a bit.

Anywho, I might have maybe sort of kinda possibly cut my bangs...

Yeah. Kind of regretting it now. But at least now Levi shouldn't feel as stupid about getting a haircut. :D? And I figured out how to make those spiky ponytails. Somehow, watching Carrie for like the umpteenth time gave me inspiration.

Carrie was a sad movie. D: But good.

It reminded me of fifth grade, when the guys would dare each other to go ask me out because I was the weird kid. Not just "a" weird kid. THE weird kid. The little geeky girl who would freak out at PE and always make her team lose, the one who read constantly with round Harry Potter-esque glasses, etc. It was humiliating. I think Andrew was the worst; he even went so far as to get the principal to call me to the office on Valentine's Day. Every single kid in fifth grade heard her call me over the intercom. Ugh.

But it's all good. No one remembers. Well, Helen does, probably. I remember that after Katie left, I met her, and as eight year olds will do, we became best friends. She always stood up for me.

Actually, that itself reminds me of something else that happened. One of the guys made me upset to the point that I just started crying during PE, and all of the girls got pissed. It was sort of funny, actually. Like "This is OUR nerd."

It's one in the morning. Of course I'm jumping from topic to topic.

Don't listen to "Jacob's Dream" by Alison Krauss. It's sad. I cried when I first listened to it. But it is a good song. Instead, go listen to "Down by the River to Pray" by her. I may not be religious, but I can't help but sing it when I hear it. I know the lyrics by heart. Oh, and "Ain True Love". Sting from the Police wrote the lyrics, I think, and it was featured in Cold Mountain. I think.

Oh, damn. I want to go watch The Invisible Circus again. (Haven't I said this before?)

I'm going to have to wrap it up here. 'Night. I mean morning.

We're going down, down in an earlier round

and sugar we're going down swingin'

I'll be your number one with a bullet

A loaded God complex

Cock it and pull it

["Sugar, We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy]

These past few days have been sorta crazy.

Wyatt and I went to the mall. He's... tall. Wow. I didn't realize he had gotten that tall. And he walks really fast; I practically had to run to keep up with him. He did most of the talking, mainly telling me about things that happened at Honeysuckle. Talking to him about Honeysuckle is like going back in time; I knew almost all of the kids he mentioned from elementary school. I nearly died when he said he knew Dalton. Oh, man. I hope he doesn't tell him he knows me, but it'd be sort of funny. And he knows Tori, who hated me all throughout fifth grade. And he knows Maddie, and A'Jae. He started talking about people who texted him, and he said "Katie, Katie um..." and at that moment I suddenly knew what he was about to say. I finished by stating her last name and he was like "Yeah, I have her number. I don't text her much, though."

KatieKatieKatie. Katie was my best friend in kindergarten. I still remember how upset I was because I was too sick to go to her birthday party. And I still have a photo of us at Christmas. During the summer between second grade and third grade, she mysteriously disappeared (AKA she moved to Mobile, I've learned now), and I had no way of knowing where she went. For all I knew, she could have been abducted by aliens. Either way, I made it my goal to find her, as dorky as it may sound.

I found her.

She's... different. Obviously. I mean, it's been like seven years. She doesn't remember me. Has no clue who I am. Go figure. But she's nice, I guess. Hard to talk to. I'm not used to people replying with simple answers or "idk"s. I have no clue how to have a conversation with her.

It's like I'm talking to an amnesic.

Have you ever seen a TV show or a movie or read a book in which someone goes missing, and then one of their friends or family members or a lover looks for them, and finally finds them years later, and they don't remember a thing and are completely different? And the person who found them is totally disappointed and upset?

Yeah.

The only thing we seem to have in common is Harry Potter, and she hasn't read the books - only seen the movies. And when she said middle school has sucked for her so far, and I said "Surely something good must've happened?" her response was "yeah. i met really hot guys".

I don't see how we were friends to begin with, but maybe we'll be able to get along. Maybe. It's a possibility, alright? A very slight possibility, but a possibility all the same.

At least I'm being... somewhat optimistic. Or maybe I'm just in denial.

:/

Oh, and Jake is not Jake. I think that's all I'll say about that right now.

I'm hungry. @.@ Well. Duh. I haven't eaten a thing today. Maybe I'll go make a hamburger or something. I'd rather eat than think.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME.

YOU LOVE OUR IM DORKINESS

YOU LOVE IT

(And I will love you if you get the joke in the IM. FYI Tenshi is Lor. HI LOR.)