If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late

could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like the last

leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?

What if, what if, today was your last day?

["If Today Was Your Last Day" - Nickelback]

Whoa. I totally have not updated in... forever. I've got a lot to talk about, so I'll just separate the days. :/ Otherwise, my brain will implode.

THURSDAY

Wednesday night, Angela asked me to hang out at the mall or Barnes and Noble the next day. I said sure, why not? She didn't show. :l Yes, Angela, I was pissed.

I spent the day at the mall, half-alone and half-with-Mark. We really did nothing except for walk around and ride the escalators and stop by Bourbon Street a few times. His coworkers kept telling him he needed to hook up with me because he needed a girlfriend, which made the whole thing slightly awkward. And... I don't really remember much else about Thursday. I probably ran into one or two people I knew, but I don't really care.

FRIDAY

On Friday, Levi and I went to Adventureland. I was nervous beyond doubt at the beginning because I knew exactly what I was going to tell him, and I kept replaying it in my head while trying to gather up the courage to actually say it. To be honest, I had planned to be completely confident and sure of myself when I told him I liked him, and when it came out I couldn't even make eye contact. I won't really go into anymore detail, because Levi didn't, but we're dating now. ... if you read his blog, you already know that, though.

I didn't do anything that night except for try to figure things out in my head and listen to music. I was pretty... well, confused, really. I've come to realize I'm just in a natural, constant state of confusion.

edit. I totally feel horrible because I wrote that in a bad mood and therefore it sounds like it was a bad day. D: It wasn't. It was fun. At the beginning, we played arcade games (I failed so badly) before we got drinks and sat down. We eventually wasted the rest of our tokens and a few quarters on a mood game while talking about anything that came to mind, really. I think that was the most I've actually talked to him outside of blogging, comments, and texts.

SATURDAY

I really didn't do much except for clean. I pulled out my Mythology book and flipped to the Celtic Myths >> Rhiannon section, and reread a particular line: "Rhiannon bears her lot without complaint." The rest of the day, I didn't argue with a single thing my parents asked me to do or said. They still somehow found something to criticize or snap at me for. I still didn't argue. :l I don't know, I sort of think of my fictional namesake as a sort of role model.

Levi isn't the only one who stayed up last night till the early hours of the morning thinking. For one to three in the morning, I sat in the corner with my headphones on, staring at my hands or my mom or the wall. I just sort of shut off and thought and all the emotional stress finally came crashing down on me.

SUNDAY

And today, Levi and I went to the mall, as always. We ran into Sydnee and a guy he knew, Cameron. They walked around with us, and I could tell Levi was getting sort of irritated. Sydnee was starting to seriously tick me off; especially when she asked me if I'd talked to Mitch or Kalynn. :l I don't see why it would have been any of her business, anyway.

But it made me notice that my mind only goes blank when I'm talking to Levi. When Sydnee was talking to me, it was easier to respond. I guess it's because I'm afraid I'd say too much or say something stupid to him but I don't really value Sydnee's shallow, fake friendship. She pretends to like me but to her everything's a joke.

Toward the end of the day, we ended up sitting on the couches and resorted to texting to hold a conversation. It's sort of sad that I can't come up with a decent response unless it's in print. (This was also when we saw Austin-slash-The-Official-Austin-Scott-LookaLike and when Shelby, out of nowhere, walked up to me. If I'm correct, she was probably trying to provoke a bitchy response, which would have worked if not for the fact that I didn't want to swear at her in front of Levi.)

edit. Yesterday wasn't bad, I was just in a bad mood when I wrote that. I enjoyed hanging out at the mall. :D Levi forgot to mention on his blog that he totally freaked out over a spider, but I swear, it WAS staring right at him. Oh, and we saw Caleb Lingo again, but in two days he's moving to Gulf Breeze. We were both pretty quiet the entire day. BUT. After we left, my dad and I totally ended up right behind Levi's mom. At several points, his mom ended up beside us for about half a second, but she drove too fast so I couldn't wave. D': For the record, I would have totally waved, even though I'd pretty much be waving at his mom and not at him.

I HAVE ISSUES.

But you knew that. I mentioned before that I've been thinking, thinking, overthinking. And I seriously feel like one messed up person. I can't explain myself to people. I know what and who I am in my head, but when I try let people in I mess up and it comes out all wrong. And that makes me question myself, am I REALLY who I think I am? Because if I AM, then shouldn't I be able to show everyone else?

It's like that song that comes on the radio constantly, that you hate but you listen to anyway because you can't stop; my screw-ups play in my head regularly, like they want to remind me that I said that, or that I forgot that, or whatever. UGH. They're driving me crazy.

Really, I don't know where I'm going with this. It's like now that I have no reason to hide I want to hide more. There's so much that I need to let out, but I won't. Levi is now trying to keep fewer secrets, and I'm trying to keep more. I'm just messed up right now and no one understands why because I don't want them to know what my real issues are. I'm afraid of being weak.

I have a blender in my stomach. It mixes me up inside and won't stop spinning. The power button is clogged up with emotions and I can't just push it to end my issues. Even when I TRY, I can't be happy for long. I'm just overthinking, everyone says I'm overthinking. But I can't help but look over my shoulder and indulge in my own paranoia.

And I totally sound messed up right now I sort of don't care because I am messed up but I sort of care because it's not a good messed up at all.

I'm sorry, I just need to stop thinking. I'm more afraid of the effect this may have on everyone else because I'm afraid that it'll hurt them or something. I want to be happy. I DON'T want to feel like I have to turn off my phone just so that I don't say something stupid and upset someone.