Do I stress you out?

My sweater's on backwards and inside out

And you say, "How appropriate."

["All I Really Want" - Alanis Morissette]

Rofl. I totally stole the first playlist questionnaire off Levi's blog. :P And you WILL notice that actually, very few are by the kinds of bands whose lyrics I post. I'm secretly in love with all of Alanis Morissette's songs.

If someone says "Is this Okay?" You say:
[When the Day Met the Night / Panic! at the Disco] I'm not sure how this would qualify as a response. o0 ... Why is "okay" capitalized?

How would you describe yourself?
[Forever Young / Alphaville] I suppose. I guess.

What do you like in a guy/girl?
[Dr. Jones / Aqua] Ha, I remember dancing around to that song. :D I don't know, maybe it means I have a thing for doctors? Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, calling Dr. Jones~

How do you feel today?
[Somebody Told Me / The Killers] Ha. No. xD

What's your life purpose?
[Sk8ter Boi / Avril Lavigne] Yes, I'm being serious. That IS on my playlist. xD Avril Lavigne, Blue October, Nelly Furtado, and Fergie are bound to come up in any conversation about 2007.

What do your friends think of you?
[Kryptonite / Three Doors Down] They think I'm Superman?

What do your parents think of you?
[Hand In My Pocket / Alanis Morissette] Haha. I know it describes me well, but I don't know if they think of me like that.

What do you often think about?
[She Had the World / Panic! at the Disco] Winning the world at a carnival? :D

What do you think about the person you like?
[All I Really Want / Alanis Morissette] Truth. :P

What is your life's story?
[Careless Whispers / Seether] ... which is actually a cover of George Micheal's Never Gonna Dance Again, I believe. Um, I don't really think it describes my life. x.x

What do you want to be when you grow up?
[Rhiannon / Fleetwood Mac] Wait... but I'm already... never mind.

What will you dance to at your wedding?
[Crazy Ex-Girlfriend / Miranda Lambert] OH SHIT I HOPE NOT

What will they play at your funeral?
[White and Nerdy / Weird Al] Nice. Really. I appreciate that, Project Playlist. D:<

What is your biggest fear?
[All Good Things (Come to an End) - Nelly Furtado] Yes. :l

What is your biggest secret?
[Man I Feel Like A Woman / Shania Twain] My biggest secret? That I actually like country music.

What is your future going to be like?
[A Horse With No Name / America] I'm going to a desert?

What do you see in the person you like?
[Walking On Sunshine / Jump 5]

What will the song be for you and your spouse?
[Old School Hollywood / System of a Down] Um. But I'm not into baseball.

Other than that, today Levi and I were supposed to go to the mall with Trevor, a few of his friends, and my cousin. I couldn't go, and Levi decided not to.

And I don't really know what else to say. xD

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out

Or looked down on

Just try your best,

Try everything you can

And don't you worry what they tell themselves

When you're away

["The Middle" - Jimmy Eat World]

Levi and I went to the mall today. :o We didn't have very long, though, because I arrived forty-five minutes late (please. flame me. I'm always late.) and he had to leave at 3:50, therefore giving us an hour and five minutes, if my math is not retarded. We were mostly quiet the entire time, but I didn't mind. It's nice to hang out with him. After he left, Heather, her friend Denae, and I went to Wet Pets to look for another hedgehog for Denae. I don't like pet shops. I didn't want to even glance at the puppies. The entire time I mostly just watched the mice and hamsters. I like mice and hamsters. They're small, relatively quiet, and (to me, at least) cute. My mom would never let me get one, though.

After that, we went to The McDonald's with the Tree, then Target. I ended up in the Books section, looking for a Maximum Ride novel so I could read the back. I found Max, but I wasn't sure if it was the first in the series or not, and I didn't see a number on it. If there is one, then maybe I'm just retarded. I didn't really look too thoroughly because I didn't want to spoil it if it did happen to be a book later in the series. I then searched for at least one Terry Pratchett novel. My search was fruitless. Every store needs a Terry Pratchett novel.

Speaking of which, I have successfully pulled Levi over to the Dark Side. As I type this, he is off reading Night Watch, as he should be doing. :D I lent it to him and he lent me The Tiger Rising after finding that I didn't know what the Sistine Chapel was. (I am officially an idiot.) He said that he thought I'd like the female lead - Sistine Bailey - and he was so right it's scary. xD

As I set down the book, I just started thinking about Sistine's anger, then about my own. I don't really have a reason to be angry, when I think about it. I could just be a naturally angry person. I blow up when someone tells me to shut up. I intentionally do things to piss other people off, just daring them to fight me. Unlike Sistine, I don't have the opportunity to actually fight people as much as I'd like. Yes, I just said "like". I like fighting. Come to think of it, I think I'm just angry at myself. I don't know. ... That's a retarded minirant.

Speaking of tempers, I have a fucked up memory, which I have mentioned before. I don't like it. I sort of like it. But not really. I remember things exactly as they happened. Sometimes from another person's point of view, which is not supposed to be possible and may just be my imagination. But only "important" events stick in my mind. Yeah, half of this is coming out retarded and I just erased my "for instances", because they make me sound like a stalker. I suppose my memory could come in handy, but it hasn't yet. Unless you count being able to remember certain lines in Night Watch, including some from the excerpt from Monstrous Regiment. Every time I cut my hair, I hear Polly's fictional voice in my head saying "The effect the scissors had was... erratic, but it was no worse than other male haircuts here. It'd do." And today when I was wearing my baggy Converse jeans, I remembered the line "Then again, even plain old Sam Vimes didn't have his arse hanging out of his trousers, but no one would have actually started a war if he had." Those aren't exactly useful in everyday life, though, so I'm doubting the utility of my memory skills.

I went blonde on Saturday. No, not literally. I did ask two particularly stupid questions, though. After I heard my parents talking about college, I just blurted out, "Can a woman get a bachelor's degree?" without actually thinking it out. Later that night, my mom was watching a crime show and a dude was talking about what this other dude did to this chick, and he went "--he skinned her, he raped her--" and I accidentally asked out loud: "In that order?" I could hear my sister laughing in the kitchen.

And I'm really stupid for nearly forgetting this, but I told Levi pretty much everything I've been hiding, even though I realized that what I was hiding sounded pretty not-that-bad. But it really was. Is. The Problems did not go away. :l

ItalyItalyItaly. The chick on TV just said "Michaelangelo", reminding me of the fact that Levi wants to go to Sicily. I vote for an Italy roadtrip. I WILL see Venice before it sinks, dammit. BLAME THEIF LORD.

I need to stop typing up rambles and rants and then erasing them. I just prepared an entire ramble about Juuni's personality in comparison to mine and ended up erasing it all.

Am I more than you bargained for yet?

I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear

'Cause that's just who I am this week

["Sugar We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy]

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS.

DID YOU REALIZE THAT FML WAS A BLOG?

YEAH.

YOU CAN FOLLOW IT.

I DID NOT REALIZE THIS UNTIL I READ A BLOG THAT I FOUND BY SEARCHING FOR OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIKED THE INVISIBLE CIRCUS.

Anywho, I really need a life. :l I've been on deviantART and Myspace all day. I don't really have anything to talk about but I have nothing else to do.

Oh my god. Michael Jackson is dead. That is so wrong on so many levels. Michael Jackson? Dead? I just can't believe it. And I just found out that Farrah Fawcett died an hour after he did. Oh, man. Man oh man oh man.

Temptation, frustration

so bad it makes him cry.

Wet bus stop, she's waiting.

His car is warm and dry.

["Don't Stand So Close to Me" - Sting and the Police]

I can't listen to that song without thinking of Charlie Wake and the Chasing Charlie storyline. It's like I can't write anything but tragedies. :l For those of you from Cursed Love / Eight of Cups (they are distinctly different, but characters from Cursed Love cross over to Eight of Cups), you may or may not remember Charlie. The green dude? Only in my mind-book (my term for storylines that run in my head that I know every detail about like they were actual books) he's no longer green. I dislike his previous greenness. In reality, the Apocalyptic Affairs storyline saved Juuni from ending up with Charlie. Really, no one who has never read and followed anything written about these characters on Cursed Love will have a clue what I'm talking about, which I'm pretty glad about. :D It's funny, Cursed Love / Eight of Cups has been such a large part of my life but it's just sort of fizzled out. I suppose it's sort of become one of my secrets? Only, it's loosely kept. I dislike saying the term "roleplaying" on here because I'm sure it brings to others' minds visions of Dungeons and Dragons and stuff like that. Damn. Now I want to write about Charlie. I miss the CL plotlines. Seriously. I still wonder what would have happened if Suna had gotten on the dragon. The whole story could have turned out differently.

But actually, there are two totally different storylines for almost all of my 2007-09 characters. I really prefer the Eight of Cups storylines, honestly. In my opinion, the Cursed Love storylines are two-dimensional. I think of everything written on there as practice and development before we all got down and really started using skills and creativity on Eight of Cups. I like how Juuni and Suna and David and Sin and Haley and Courfeyrac and Charlie have turned out.

I should probably stop rambling, I always sound like a senseless moron when I talk about the characters and storylines.

I haven't been able to work on the bag, but today I set down plans for a halter top. I'm sure no one remembers the day in sixth grade that Laurel came to school wearing my skirt that I'd left at her house (and then bragging about how she thought it looked better on her - sorry, but that did piss me off, it's bad enough she wore my clothes without asking, but she could've at least been modest about it), but if you do happen to, Caroline, Angela, that's the skirt I'm modifying into a top. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, IT'S BROWN. That's all that needs to be said. :D

At the moment, I really have nothing to talk about so I'm just talking about whatever comes to mind and OH HEY YOU GUYS. You NEED to go see this. Warning: includes poler dancers and Amber-the-apostrophe-is-silent. Ha. I just realized I wrote "poler dancers" but I'm too lazy to change it. :D Also, everyone, blame Heather for linking me to Cake Wrecks. Blame her with every bit of your being.

I'm sort of considering linking you guys to my deviantART page. I still need to update it with some arts, though. The plural was intentional, yes. :l Dunno if I will or not, because it's all cartoon-style. Lor, I swear to God that if you post a link I will happily go down to Florida and shoot you. I gave in. :l rhii-radical.deviantart.com

Oh, and I've been talking to Gemma through texts. :D She texted me Friday while Levi and I were playing arcade games and because I'm a horrible forgetful person (I forgot Father's Day), I didn't remember that I had to text her back until yesterday.

It's the edge of the world

and all of western civilization

The sun may rise in the east

At least it settles in a final location

It's understood that Hollywood

sells Californication

["Californication" - Red Hot Chili Peppers]

I AM FEELING SO MUCH BETTER HOLY CRAP.

I guess getting that out of my system in my last post really helped. :o Something clicked in my brain and now I'm starting to know myself. Sounds retarded, but it's true. I'm still pretty confused, but I'm happier.

I've been seriously getting into sewing recently. Last night, I stayed up 'till 3:30 AM working on a messenger bag I was sewing out of a t-shirt and I finished it today (total time spent: seven hours due to hand-sewing). Unfortunately, the strap spontaneously broke (I never said I was good at sewing :l), so now I have to fix that before I can actually use it. I may post a photo of it soon, along with a shawl (I am fucking PROUD of the button I put on it :D).

I have such a strange memory. Last night, while I was sewing (everyone was asleep), I just randomly remembered Levi mentioning the Fourth of July and how he and Trevor used to go down to Panama City, I think? every year, and how I responded, "My family doesn't really do stuff on the Fourth of July. That's just how we roll," and then remembered how I felt so stupid for saying 'that's how we roll'. And now I feel retarded for remembering that I remembered that.

I'm going to make candy on Thursday, by the way. Just because I'm awesome. I'm also thinking about hand-making a few sketchbooks / journals. If I do, I'll probably make some for my friends. They sound pretty easy from the tut I'm reading. Also, I totally want to make stuff out of the old Seventeen magazines I have. I've read and reread them a million times but since I underwent that unbelievable change from girly to tomboy, not much in it is really useful, except for guy advice, career articles, clothes help, etc. In the clothing department, though, I can pretty much handle myself. :/ I usually just wear t-shirts and jeans, but that's really been more of a strict guideline I've had myself on. I've decided to loosen up on what I wear, because I'm seriously running out of t-shirts and polos. Also, I may start wearing Brown again. It deserves the capital letter for being so important in my life that I avoid it like the plague. I think I'm ready for Brown. :o It can no longer hurt my self esteem.

I want to paint my shoes. Yes, I do mean my black Chuck Taylors. I may paint them in blue, yellow, and white. That's only if I can use the woodpaint, though. If I can't, I could always paint them in nail polish, the way I used to paint doll faces, but in that case, I wouldn't have any yellow. D:

I totally want to start a scrapbook out of a binder. I know, it sounds dorky. All I need is a new, white binder, a few cameras (not digital, the kind that you have to have developed - I'm too lazy to Google the actual term), and some average craft supplies. I'd like to document everyday life. (Of course, not the kind of 'everyday life' where I'm sitting at home, I mean the days that I go out with friends. Duh.) I'd sort of like to collaborate on it with someone, but in this case, 'someone' is pretty limited since only, like, four people that I know offline have the link to my blog. xD

I forgot to mention, I have penguin-shaped cookie cutters. Why did no one ever tell me this before? I'm going to use them to cut the sugar candy I'm making Thursday. :D I'm also going to hand-paint the candy (edible paint). Maybe I'll do some, like, black and white striped and some red with white polka dots.

I sound totally girly, don't I? xD It's not that I AM totally girly, it's just that I'm in a total DIY and use the word "totally" a lot mood.

That reminds me, I want to make hats with ears on and hoodies. :o And I still need to make Lor's hoodie. Sorry, Lor. But, hey! At least now when I make it I'll actually have good sewing skills. I'd really like to make stuff for a lot of my friends, but I wouldn't know what they'd like. :l Also, since most of my friends are guys, and sewing and cooking and painting usually produce girly results, I'm at a total loss. I don't really have many materials to make stuff with, right now, though (hence the messenger bag being made out of a t-shirt). BUT GET THIS. I even gave the bag a PHONE POCKET on the INSIDE. It's sad that I'm this proud of adding a phone pocket. :/

I should get started on making those sketchbooks if I'm going to tonight. So, yeah. Later. (Likelihood of me actually doing that: %30. Likelihood of me Googling more DIY tutorials and looking around in an arts-and-crafts-craving frenzy to gather materials that I'll eventually do nothing with: %70.)

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late

could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like the last

leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?

What if, what if, today was your last day?

["If Today Was Your Last Day" - Nickelback]

Whoa. I totally have not updated in... forever. I've got a lot to talk about, so I'll just separate the days. :/ Otherwise, my brain will implode.

THURSDAY

Wednesday night, Angela asked me to hang out at the mall or Barnes and Noble the next day. I said sure, why not? She didn't show. :l Yes, Angela, I was pissed.

I spent the day at the mall, half-alone and half-with-Mark. We really did nothing except for walk around and ride the escalators and stop by Bourbon Street a few times. His coworkers kept telling him he needed to hook up with me because he needed a girlfriend, which made the whole thing slightly awkward. And... I don't really remember much else about Thursday. I probably ran into one or two people I knew, but I don't really care.

FRIDAY

On Friday, Levi and I went to Adventureland. I was nervous beyond doubt at the beginning because I knew exactly what I was going to tell him, and I kept replaying it in my head while trying to gather up the courage to actually say it. To be honest, I had planned to be completely confident and sure of myself when I told him I liked him, and when it came out I couldn't even make eye contact. I won't really go into anymore detail, because Levi didn't, but we're dating now. ... if you read his blog, you already know that, though.

I didn't do anything that night except for try to figure things out in my head and listen to music. I was pretty... well, confused, really. I've come to realize I'm just in a natural, constant state of confusion.

edit. I totally feel horrible because I wrote that in a bad mood and therefore it sounds like it was a bad day. D: It wasn't. It was fun. At the beginning, we played arcade games (I failed so badly) before we got drinks and sat down. We eventually wasted the rest of our tokens and a few quarters on a mood game while talking about anything that came to mind, really. I think that was the most I've actually talked to him outside of blogging, comments, and texts.

SATURDAY

I really didn't do much except for clean. I pulled out my Mythology book and flipped to the Celtic Myths >> Rhiannon section, and reread a particular line: "Rhiannon bears her lot without complaint." The rest of the day, I didn't argue with a single thing my parents asked me to do or said. They still somehow found something to criticize or snap at me for. I still didn't argue. :l I don't know, I sort of think of my fictional namesake as a sort of role model.

Levi isn't the only one who stayed up last night till the early hours of the morning thinking. For one to three in the morning, I sat in the corner with my headphones on, staring at my hands or my mom or the wall. I just sort of shut off and thought and all the emotional stress finally came crashing down on me.

SUNDAY

And today, Levi and I went to the mall, as always. We ran into Sydnee and a guy he knew, Cameron. They walked around with us, and I could tell Levi was getting sort of irritated. Sydnee was starting to seriously tick me off; especially when she asked me if I'd talked to Mitch or Kalynn. :l I don't see why it would have been any of her business, anyway.

But it made me notice that my mind only goes blank when I'm talking to Levi. When Sydnee was talking to me, it was easier to respond. I guess it's because I'm afraid I'd say too much or say something stupid to him but I don't really value Sydnee's shallow, fake friendship. She pretends to like me but to her everything's a joke.

Toward the end of the day, we ended up sitting on the couches and resorted to texting to hold a conversation. It's sort of sad that I can't come up with a decent response unless it's in print. (This was also when we saw Austin-slash-The-Official-Austin-Scott-LookaLike and when Shelby, out of nowhere, walked up to me. If I'm correct, she was probably trying to provoke a bitchy response, which would have worked if not for the fact that I didn't want to swear at her in front of Levi.)

edit. Yesterday wasn't bad, I was just in a bad mood when I wrote that. I enjoyed hanging out at the mall. :D Levi forgot to mention on his blog that he totally freaked out over a spider, but I swear, it WAS staring right at him. Oh, and we saw Caleb Lingo again, but in two days he's moving to Gulf Breeze. We were both pretty quiet the entire day. BUT. After we left, my dad and I totally ended up right behind Levi's mom. At several points, his mom ended up beside us for about half a second, but she drove too fast so I couldn't wave. D': For the record, I would have totally waved, even though I'd pretty much be waving at his mom and not at him.

I HAVE ISSUES.

But you knew that. I mentioned before that I've been thinking, thinking, overthinking. And I seriously feel like one messed up person. I can't explain myself to people. I know what and who I am in my head, but when I try let people in I mess up and it comes out all wrong. And that makes me question myself, am I REALLY who I think I am? Because if I AM, then shouldn't I be able to show everyone else?

It's like that song that comes on the radio constantly, that you hate but you listen to anyway because you can't stop; my screw-ups play in my head regularly, like they want to remind me that I said that, or that I forgot that, or whatever. UGH. They're driving me crazy.

Really, I don't know where I'm going with this. It's like now that I have no reason to hide I want to hide more. There's so much that I need to let out, but I won't. Levi is now trying to keep fewer secrets, and I'm trying to keep more. I'm just messed up right now and no one understands why because I don't want them to know what my real issues are. I'm afraid of being weak.

I have a blender in my stomach. It mixes me up inside and won't stop spinning. The power button is clogged up with emotions and I can't just push it to end my issues. Even when I TRY, I can't be happy for long. I'm just overthinking, everyone says I'm overthinking. But I can't help but look over my shoulder and indulge in my own paranoia.

And I totally sound messed up right now I sort of don't care because I am messed up but I sort of care because it's not a good messed up at all.

I'm sorry, I just need to stop thinking. I'm more afraid of the effect this may have on everyone else because I'm afraid that it'll hurt them or something. I want to be happy. I DON'T want to feel like I have to turn off my phone just so that I don't say something stupid and upset someone.

if you are barely moving

then you have barely moved

regretfully, you see, I've found another place for me

beyond the Circle City, outside the boundary line

far away from here, from previously wasted time

["Circle City Blues" - Hadji and the Turbans]

You know what another name for Dothan is? The Circle City. Yeah. That song is about Dothan. :D You can hear it here. Seriously. Go listen. Especially you, Levi. Hadji and the Turbans is awesome.

I'm starting to get sick of Dothan. I used to love the city. Love, love, love it. But now I can't wait until I turn 18 or 19 so I can go to San Fran. I'd rather live in a big city because 1. there's more to do and 2. you can make a fresh start. Honestly, I'd run off to New York City, but I can't stand the cold. I know. I suck.

I got out of my art block (finally). I'm sort of considering drawing a brief comic or simple picture to go with each blog post to get more into drawing again.

I've become a total Myspace junkie. I'm constantly on Myspace. It's addicting. I can't go an hour without signing on and IMing someone (my frequent victims are Caroline, Cory, Jessica, Connor, and Lor).

I honestly can't say that I know what else to say.

Tell me what you wanna know

oh come on, oh come on, oh come on

There ain't no motive for this crime

Jenny was a friend of mine

["Jenny Was a Friend of Mine" - The Killers]

I went MIA for about three days because my dad forgot to pay the Interwebs bill. It's all good, though, now. :D I checked some of my more frequented websites - including this one - through my phone-net, but I couldn't post anything but comments.

On Wednesday night, I happened to text Levi while Trevor was over. I ended up being - as Levi refers to it - 'virtually stalked'. To be honest, it was funny and I didn't really mind, except for the fact that Levi was being beaten up. Not funny. Trevor still stalks me over Myspace and my cellphone. xD

Thursday through Saturday, I did nothing. At all. Our store closed Thursday, though. Oh, and I called Mark-from-Chess-class on Saturday. I don't know why, I guess it was because he called me on Monday of the same week and I never returned it and I felt guilty and... yeah. :l Plus, he's stuck by me since the end of sixth grade but I've always sort of blown him off and I need to break away from the group I hung out with during seventh grade. I need to talk to my real friends (yes, that does include you guys - I'm talking about the ones who I didn't really realize were so awesome until I realized that my other friends were not so awesome, y'know what I'm saying?). Anywho, when I called him I mentioned that I'd be at the mall today and I'd stop by to say hi (he works at Bourbon Street Candy).

He sort of misunderstood and thought I meant that I'd get him to go hang out. I feel like a jerk because I didn't make it clearer, so it sort of ended up awkward for all three of us at first. It was fun, though, more so after we sat down on the couches. I was nearly falling asleep.

And I need plans this week. Seriously. I am not kidding. I will nail my head to a wall if I don't hang out with someone this week. SERIOUSLY.

...

why so serious? ;D

She turned her face to speak

but no one heard her cry

d r i v e f a s t e r, b o y

["Midnight Show" - The Killers]

Today, I'm angry and depressed and I don't know how to explain it. It's like I built myself up to be disappointed. I thought that being a teenager would mean I'd stop messing up but instead it just made it worse because before I thought it was alright because I was about to be, well, a teenager but now it's totally not alright at all. I still feel like a stupid kid who screws up everything and says stupid stuff. If you're trying to text me, I turned my phone off. I don't really know if I should post this, but I might as well. It's the least of my problems right now.

I'm thinking of inviting some friends out to go somewhere, maybe tomorrow or Friday. I don't like groups, though, so I'd probably end up only hanging out with one or two friends. Speaking of friends, I'm getting sick of hearing my girl friends go on about how much they love their "uber-hawt" boyfriends. :l

I may give the link here to a guy I met at the SET / Chess Tournament. His name is Cody, but just for future reference if I do give it to him and he does go to the link, he clearly is not the Cody mentioned in previous posts.

I was reading through my second-grade journal. It's so freaking retarded. At age seven, though, I was already reading Harry Potter five, so I'm sort of proud of my little-self. Honestly, I don't know if that's really a big achievement or not, seeing as half the kids at the elementary school I went to could barely read even in fifth grade and in the journal I mentioned that one of my SECOND GRADE classmates turned eleven, so obviously pretty much any academic achievement could be considered great compared to my classmates. I feel like an ass for saying that, but it's true. (Random fact: Melanie and Timberli, who were in eighth grade last year, went to the same elementary school, I believe.)

Caroline is convinced, for whatever reason, that I should date her ex-boyfriend Wyatt. Here's our conversation from Myspace:

CarolineCatastrophe++ : hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ rhii is radical ] : Hey, Caroline.

CarolineCatastrophe++ : Whats up?

[ rhii is radical ] : Nothing. I'm depressed. :l

CarolineCatastrophe++ : why???? :(

[ rhii is radical ] : Because I keep screwing up. :\

CarolineCatastrophe++ : imsorry! me and wyatt broke up.

[ rhii is radical ] : Haven't you been trying to break up with him for a while?

CarolineCatastrophe++ : not really :/. omg! you should date him!!!!!!!!!!!

[ rhii is radical ] : ... me? I can't really see that happening. It would probably be a week-long relationship filled with awkward, half-hearted conversation. Besides, I'm not really interested in dating anyone right now. My Fear of Ruining Friendships by Dating Guy Friends and Breaking Up With Them is acting up again.

CarolineCatastrophe++ : i sorry

[ rhii is radical ] : It's fine. You didn't say anything wrong. ... why did Braxton dye his hair blue?

And then we went on to hold an epically brief conversation about the fact that Braxton dyed his hair blue.

I turned my phone back on, by the way. I don't think anyone noticed it was off, though.

Jennifer, tell me where I stand

and who's that other boy holdin' your hand?

["Leave the Bourbon on the Shelf" - The Killers]

Oh, man. I love the Murder Trilogy. It consists of "Leave the Bourbon on the Shelf", "Midnight Show", and "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine" and follows the murder of a girl named Jennifer / Jenny by the narrator. ... but you probably guessed that. :o

I've had such an art block recently. I'm about ready to slam my head into a wall. I even locked myself in a room with a sheet of blank paper and a pencil and the paper remained blank. Apparently my only art skills at the moment are in doodling absently on jeans, and even then I suck rather badly. Hopefully writing more for Juuni and David, whether it's in blogs or the script or ROLEPLAYING (Lor, I would be staring at you pointedly if I were not nine hours away from you), will help fuel my artistic... artistic something. :l

The only exception to my cake-hate is my dad's Hershey cake. It is so effin' yummy. :o I can't shove it through the computer though because that would make a mess.

I seriously have that mixed CD on repeat. Well, not literally, because my CD player doesn't have a 'repeat' option, but I keep my finger on the 'play' button when the last track starts to end (isn't that sort of an oxymoronic phrase? starts to end...). And yes, I do know the name of the last track, I'm just starting to feel like an idiot for using too much formatting when typing song, band, movie, book, play, and story titles / names.

I'm thinking of returning to deviantART, but I don't know what I'd do. I mean, I'm sick of posting pencil drawings with no color, but I refuse to allow others to color them or color them traditionally myself. I'm too stubborn. :l

Don't know if anyone's been wondering - actually, I doubt they have - but the reason Austin's name appears so often even now that I don't talk to him is because he used to be an important part of my life for about a year and a half, and virtually no 'flashback' to sixth grade or the beginning of seventh can run its full length without him appearing. (I use weird metaphors. :l Wait, is that a metaphor? Disregard that. Please.) Like in sixth grade when he was dipping a Cheezit in chocolate pudding and Deja glanced over and went, "You nasty ass motherfucker." and we all burst into laughter. :D

Um... I seriously have nothing else to blog about. :l I need a life. OHWAIT. I found my journal from seventh grade and I considered posting some of the entries but then I decided not to. They're either all too boring or too personal. (In sixth grade, I had a different journal and Cody kept trying to steal it from me to read November 27th's entry. It didn't exist.)

SURVEY TIME. (Yes. I stole this from Lor who probably stole it from Gemma or Passion or Chloe. This is seriously the only reason I ever go on deviantART anymore - to steal surveys to cure my boredom.) Feel free to ignore it. (holy effff that was a long effin' survey effffff)

75 QUESTIONS YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER BEEN ASKED

1. First thing you wash in the shower??

My hair.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie??

Pink, white, purple, yellow, blue, and black. It's checkered. :)

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again??

The last person I kissed was my dad, on the cheek. So, yes. He's my dad.

4. Do you plan outfits??

Yes, actually. Usually days in advance.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now??

Tired. Irritated. Bored.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red??

It's a cross between a Dr. Pepper bottle and a can of Pringles.

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m??

Aim. I used to say "A-im" in my head.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having.

Er. I'd love to. ... if I could remember the last dream I remembered having.

9. Did you meet anybody new today??

Yeah, random people on the street who I'll never see again and didn't exchange more than a glance with. :D (Lor, you're lucky I saw the result before I actually read your response to this question, because otherwise I'd have killed you.)

10. What are you craving right now??

Coke, of the soda variety.

11. Do you floss??

Yes. :) [/dork]

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?

Avatar, because it was Lor's response so now I can't think 'cabbage' without thinking 'Avatar'. I also can't get the image of Sokka munching on cabbage out of my head, even though that was created by my own imagination while trying to find the relation between the vegetable and the TV show. In reality, I have no clue what Lor was talking about.

13. When was the last time you talked on aim??

Saturday night.

14. Are you emotional??

Overly. I don't show it as much as I feel it.

15. Would you dance to the taco song??

I dance to everything, bitch.

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000??

Who does that?

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it??

I guess it depends on what my mood is like. :o I'm trying not to say anything that could be taken as sexual but I think I just did.

18. Do you like your hair??

Occasionally. Sometimes I hate it for what I refer to as its 'mutt' color, which resulted from my roots growing in, my bleached blonde showing through a bit, and the color from my most recent dyeing fading and mixing. Sometimes I hate it for the choppy, shaggy layers and it's natural curliness. And sometimes I love it because it's shiny and easy to manage when straightened. :D And not too girly.

19. Do you like yourself??

I like who I am now, mostly. ... mostly.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity??

Does meeting the shirtless drummer from Bulletproof Marshmallows count? Did I mention he was shirtless? Also, Sally Fields is my cousin of some sort, but I've never met her. I'm also related to the dude who pulled the sword from the stone, but he sort of died way back when. Way, way back when.

21. Do you like cottage cheese??

What the hell?

22. What are you listening to right now??

The mixed CD. I did say I was listening to it repeatedly. -nod-

23. How many countries have you visited??

... Does Epcot at Disney World count?

24. Are your parents strict??

Sort of.

25. Would you go sky diving??

Haha. For a second I thought you were serious. :D Of course not. I'm heights-phobic. I'd only go sky diving if the person going with me was, like, someone seriously important to me. And I mean seriously. I would never jump out of, like, a plane or whatever unless my life or someone else's were in danger or unless a freaking close friend asked me to.

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush??

Sure. Why not?

28. Is there anything shiny in the room you're in??

Yes.

29. Have you ever been in a castle??

In my dreams. But the castle in question was usually Hogwarts.

30. Do you rent movies?

Never.

31. Who sits in behind you in your history class??

Used to be Wyatt J.

32. Have you made a prank phone call??

I fail twice as much as Lor. I have.

33. Do you own a gun??

Nope.

34. Can you count backwards from 74??

Sure. Don't hold your breath for me to start counting, though. :l Too lazy.

35. Who are you going to be with tonight??

Uh... my family and dogs? Not in the sexual way.

36. Brown or white eggs??

What Lor said. :D Whatever it meant. [/fail]

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic??

An over-sized P!atD t-shirt.

38. Ever been on a train??

No.

39. Like the person you’re dating??

Of course! I love my invisible boyfriend.

40. Do you have a cell-phone?

A Dare. :D

41. Are you too forgiving??

Used to be. I'm not now, by far. It's pretty hard for me to trust anyone unless I'm sure they're not a 'threat' (i.e. someone who could easily hurt me emotionally) or I'm in a "what-the-hell-I-don't-give-a-damn" mood.

42. Do you use chap stick??

Why would I do that? I rarely even wear lipgloss.

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow??

I don't know. Angela, Levi, what are you guys doing tomorrow?

44. Can you use chop sticks??

Yes. I'm actually doing it right and everyone else is doing it wrong. Don't you know you're supposed to stab through it with the chop stick to pick it up?

45. Ever have cream puffs??

No?

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect??

No. o0

47. What was the last question you asked??

Wouldn't it be "No?" from question 45?

48. What was the last CD you bought??

I can't remember.

49. Boys or girls??

Guys, as friends. I get along with them a lot more. It's sort of like how I get along more with older kids than kids my age.

50. What is your bus number for school??

Who the hell said I rode a bus?

51. Is your hair curly??

Yes. :l It was originally straight but then it fell out and came back curly.

52. Last time you cried??

Not long ago at all. Maybe a few days; maybe a week.

53. Ever walked into a wall??

Oh, man. Yeah. So many times.

54. Do looks matter??

Not really. It is natural to be more comfortable around different people due to appearances, but I'll talk to and hang out with anyone who isn't an ass or annoying, no matter how they look. People think I'm strange because I wear American Eagle and Aeropostale but hang out with people who wear DC and Volcom. True, I do obsess over how I look sometimes.

56. Have you ever slapped someone??

Yes. :D ... 55 is missing.

57. Favorite time of the year??

Summer. It's bright and free and warm. I become seriously depressed during winter and don't want to talk to people.

58. Favorite color??

Yellows and oranges and pinks and reds and blues and greys and blacks. :D And dark purples.

59. Are you sarcastic??

Yes. :)

60. Do you have any tattoos??

Neverrrrrr.

61. The last person you held hands with??

Er. I don't know? I don't really hold hands. It's the most common form of couple-PDA and PDA makes me seriously uncomfortable.

62. Do you sleep with the TV on??

No.

63. Where was your default picture taken at??

In the bathroom at the store my family owns. xD I was looking in the mirror when I took it.

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people??

If I made a list it would be horribly long. :l

65. Do you like your life right now??

It's boring every day I'm not doing anything with friends, but it's pretty good.

66. How often do you talk on the phone??

I am a texting addict, but I don't call often.

67. What is your favorite animal??

meerkats, baby. :D

68. What was the most recent thing you bought??

A Coke and a dog dish, simultaneously.

69. Do you have good vision??

I wear glasses. 'Nough said.

70. Can you hoola hoop?

HAHAHAno. I am not an effin' chipmunk.

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater??

Lor said it perfectly: Depends on the situation.

72. Do you have a job??

Not really. Kind of. I sit at my mom's store everyday but I don't do anything.

73. Can you handle the truth??

Truthfully? Yes.

74. What are you wearing??

Jeans. Pink peace sign shirt. Yellow peace sign necklace. Pink sock. Blue sock. Purple glasses. Earphones.

75. Have you ever crawled through a window??

Why would I do that?

Sweet dreams are made of this

Who am I to disagree?

Travel the world and the seven seas

Everybody's looking for something

["Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" - Marilyn Manson]

Is it sad that after reading this FML I Googled "Pixie Hollow"? Like I need another testament to my life-failure. xD

Anyway, earlier today Levi and I went to the mall - it's the Fifth Sunday. It's totally hard to believe we've been talking / hanging out for more than a month. He gave me the mixed CD he made, and let me tell you, it is awesome. He has the best taste in music ever. Everrrr. I saw my cousin's best friend there; she kept staring at me whenever we passed by, probably because when I've been around her I looked like a loser next to Jessica.

Actually, I think the fact that I'm bored enough to play a Tinker Bell game proves that I am a loser.

I'm totally on a horror movie kick. In the past, like, four days I've watched Drag Me to Hell, Final Destination, House on Haunted Hill, The Frighteners, and Danika. Also, Lor and I created character blogs - I made one for Juuni and she made one for Mithos. Dunno if she wants me to post a link or not, though.

I recently read the play A Streetcar Named Desire (Tennessee Williams). I love plays and stories like that that make you think. I'm also a fan of A Rose for Emily (William Faulkner), The Lame Shall Enter First (Flannery O'Connor), Everything That Rises Must Converge (Flannery O'Connor), Antigone (Sophocles), Cathedral (Raymond Carver), The Thing in the Forest (A.S. Byatt), A Hunger Artist (Franz Kafka), and A Doll House (Henrik Ibsen). Oh, man. Maybe it would've been easier to listen the stories I DIDN'T like. xD All of those are from my dad's literature book. I feel like I've abused the 'bold' and 'italic' options. I'm format-happy. :D

One last note: What the hell is lane cake?

Edit

Oh, yeah. The other day I found an old journal page that was ripped out (either by accident or because at the time I thought it made it look important or whatever):

May 29th, 2008

Thursday

8:55 AM - Homeroom

Today is our last day of school. Ech. I don't want school to end.

11:06 AM - Movie.

OMG. Austin dared me to hug Cody. Eeek

I now want to laugh so hard. xD I was so dorky. It's sort of interesting to look back and remember when the group was still together. By 'the group' I mean Cody, Austin, Laurel, and me; we were all best friends in sixth grade and now we all hate each other. :D

Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop

does her business

but I've noticed something weird

lately all her neighbors' cats have disappeared

["The Worst Pies in London" - Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd Soundtrack]

I was watching Sweeney Todd on Wednesday for the umpteenth time and irritated my mom by singing to each and every song. :D

Last night, Levi and I went to the movies instead of going to dinner. We saw Drag Me to Hell. I totally disregarded what Keeley said about it being gross, but the movie proved her right. Hell, though, the talking goat owned. There were a lot of "Surprise! Guess who?" scenes where it either built up the tension to something like a flaming, screaming face or total silence. Throughout the entire thing I mostly dug my nails into my sides, which didn't really help because I still jumped.

After the movie my dad picked me up, and one of the first things I said when I got in the car was "Can we get ice cream?" Since we stopped at the Lemon Lot on the way home, we had to take a path-less-travelled, and we ended up stopping at a Shell station. It sort of creeped me out. :l It was night, the place was practically abandoned, it had those slightly flickering greyish flourescent lights, and the people in there made me uncomfortable. But at least I got ice cream. :D Even though I kept feeling like random leaves were going to start flying around and a white handkerchief was going to attack me as I walked out (total DMtH reference).

I like ice cream. <3

EDIT:

OH HEY

I need some ideas of songs - slash - bands to listen to. :l

She is like a cat in the dark

and then she is the darkness

["Rhiannon" - Fleetwood Mac]

I feel sort of pompous for even posting those lyrics. :l If you want to listen to the actual song, try here. You'll have to sign up to Imeem, though, to hear it, but it's free. I like Imeem. It's for us dorks who want to listen to music but don't want to buy iPods. I was also named after "Amanda" by Boston, if you want to look it up. Both are love songs. o.o

Oh. Yeah. I'm thirteen now, by the way.

Pretty much anyone who reads my blog knows that yesterday was my birthday (it also happened to be Kate Gosselin's and LiveJournal's birthdays - I got to watch Kate have a surprise party on TV). I had a good day. I lazed around in the morning and then I went to the mall with Angela (where I got an oversized Panic! at the Disco shirt and a pink leopard print scarf, because I am addicted to prints) for three hours. We ran into Caleb Beilstein, so naturally I ran up and hugged him because he's moving this summer. I then found out that he was waiting for his girlfriend. This is the second time I have hugged a guy friend who had left Carver and who ended up being on a date. I fail. Epicallllly. Angela and I saw him again later, holding hands with Kendall (see: Second Sunday) and we also saw Ike, who was holding hands with Katie Tracey (see: Third Sunday). Oh, yeah, and we saw Mrs. Mitchell and her daughter.

After I got home from the mall, I hung out with my sister and parents at home. My mom had pointed out that if I were to go out again with a friend that night then I wouldn't be able to hang out with Levi Thursday because I wouldn't have enough money, so I chose to eat pizza, watch TV, and surf the Net. :D None of my other friends would have gone out, anyway, if I'd asked them.

If you're wondering what I got yesterday, I got texts, mostly saying "happy birthday!!!!! lolz luv u xoxo" or something of that nature. Angela kept offering to pay for food or other objects at the mall, but I refused. I don't really like friends paying for me or giving me money, unless it's, like, fifty cents that I can just repay them the next day. Other than that, my grandmother sent me a fifty dollar check the other day, half of which I blew yesterday (but that WILL be reimbursed because my sister still owes me twenty that I loaned her out of my Christmas money and then a five dollar bill that I loaned her yesterday for gas), and Levi made a mixed CD because he is the most awesome guy ever (Angela, you are the most awesome girl :D?).

Nicoooole. Chlooooe. You guys need to answer the questions~ D: And no, I feel no guilt about nagging you two since we do the questions thing all the time and you guys are my interweb-buddies.

I like comment games, so EVERYBODY. If you comment, state why you were named what you were named. :D ... if you want.

EDIT:

I forgot to add that my grandmother sent the check in a Jonas Brothers card. It can turn into a poster. The kicker? She wrote "I hope you are a fan" in it. The same thing happened on Christmas on the same side of the family; my aunt asked me if I liked Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus, to which I responded "Er... no." and then - naturally - my gift from her was a two-CD thing. It's the thought that counts, but I find it sort of funny. :P